Some days just break you. They push you passed patience and into anger. They fray your nerves. Some days you just need to scream or cry or something. That something is pray.
See these days are the days that I feel least like praying. I feel least like reading my Bible. If I am being completely honest, I just want to curl up and hope that maybe tomorrow will be better. I want to put my hope in tomorrow instead of the one who will make the sun rise. These are the days that remind me that no matter how “good” I think I am or how good I think I am doing, I am a sinner who needs to love God more.
I just do not know if I can do it today. Try as I might, this day that has been filled with fits, stress, screams, no sleep, and spankings so I have nothing to bring to Him. I am done.
Then I think about what my life would look like if God treated me this way. If He just became exhausted with me. If He decided that He did not want to give me anything at all today, and I was on my own, how would I do? If He had no desire to give me anything, I would not even have the breath in my lungs. My very life flows from Him.
I like to think of myself as strong, but sometimes I depend on me and my strength too much and it never goes well. See, I want so badly to bring my “A game” to everything, everyday, and when I can not do that, I get so deeply entrenched in feeling like a failure it blinds me.
I think about this mess of a person who has nothing to give, but a small voice inside that says, “Go pray and talk to Jesus.” The truth is that He knew I was a mess. He knew that I would fail, all the time. He knew I needed Him. Christ came and lived a life I never could. He carried that cross, hung there, and died for me. One of my favorite hymns is “How Deep the Father’s Love”, and there is a line in it that says: “It was my sin that held Him there until it was accomplished. His dying breath has brought me life, I know that it is finished.” I should listen to this more. It was me. It was my price He paid. He did it all for me (you too), and I am amazed that I would ever look anywhere else for peace besides to the one who demonstrated He loved me most in a way that could never be matched. “…but God shows His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8. He did not love a future version of me that will someday not be stuck in these feeling or in this place, but He looked down through time and loved the girl I am today. He died for the girl I am today, and there is no better place to go at the end of a hard day than at the foot of that cross.
I would say to anyone reading this, these days are the days where those feeling that are not from God would do everything they could to keep you from going to the Shepard that laid down His life for you (Romans 10:11). I know what I know and that truth is worth clinging to. There is no better place for me today than in silence and prayer pouring out these feelings so that I can be filled up with truth. This filling will not be the band aid job I can do at best for my wounds, but this truth will heal. This truth about who Jesus is to me will change my life again. It does every time I think about it or hear it. The wonder of the gospel takes the Psalm 42 days, and kicks them in the teeth because the gospel wins because Jesus won.
He sees His chosen, beloved daughter and not a mess. He sees a girl that He died for and loves to hear from – even if it is just a broken whimper. That is enough for Him because He already knows the heartache there, and He alone can mend it. Today just requires that I fight to get there even if all I can do is crawl the last bit to lay at the feet of Jesus and tell Him where I am at and how much I need Him.
If all you have today is the strength to crawl there, GO! He will give you the strength to stand and walk when you are finished being filled up with His love and presence. He is in heaven right now calling you to do the best you can to get to Him because He loves you and wants to pour His love over you. You may feel like a mess, but He sees everything you are and loves you more than you know.