Remember…

Tags

memorial day

I always loved the picture of my Uncle Willie in his Army uniform that was framed in their house. I remember looking at it as a child and being told the story of why he was awarded a Purple Heart. It was truly an act of valor. 

I remember seeing pictures of most of my uncles in military uniforms. 

I remember the day my Uncle Ernest came home and the fire trucks and police cars greeted him with their sirens. I learned that there was a war in the Gulf that day. 

I remember my teacher Mr. McKinzie wearing a bracelet with his friend’s name on it because he hadn’t returned home yet. I remember doing hours of research and prep to put on the first Veteran’s Day program out middle school ever had. 

I remember when each of my brothers left for basic training, and I remember when each returned from war forever changed by what they saw. One could barely begin to discuss what he saw or the friends he lost. 

Before one came home, he was seriously wounded. We didn’t get to know where he was so we just watched the news listening for major fighting. I remember when my mom got the call saying he was wounded and how scared we all were. 

No matter how you feel about war, you are free to feel that way because someone fought or fought and died for you to have the right to.

I have always liked the quote, “All gave some but some gave all!” The truth is that everyone who faces that fight gives up something in themselves that will never be the same. 

Always remember and be thankful for those who died in battle and for those whose battle will never be over in some ways. 

Be thankful beyond having an extra day in your weekend to grill. Be thankful enough to stop and remember what Memorial Day is really about. It’s not about that at all, and losing sight of what others have done for you is one of the worst kinds of selfishness anyone can operate in. 

Remember because they all deserve to the remembered. 

Who Rob Is…

Tags

father, husband, marriage

As we close in on less than a month until our NINTH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, I woke up this morning with my heart spilling over with gratitude considering who Rob is. 

He is funny. Whether it was chucking his Nike sandal from his foot across a parking lot or slothing someone or taking time to make a masterful Photoshop ad, he has always known the importance of laughter. He used to say that we shouldn’t take life so seriously because no one gets out of it alive. That has stuck with me from the time when we were just friends. 

He is smart. Rob has this intelligence that he keeps to himself. He is not the kind of guy that needs to flex in any of his talents. He is so humble that he works hard to relate to others, make them at ease, and to never let them know he’s one of, if not the smartest person in the room. I’ve known people who shove their talents or strengths down the throats of others so they can feel superior, but I’ve never seen this man who is vastly talented need to do that. Humility is a rare commodity today, and I am so lucky that this trait is such a big part of his character. 

He’s the best teacher I’ve ever had. He doesn’t just know Jesus and the Bible, he lives like they matter most to him – because that’s what does. I’ve often said either Christ is all or He isn’t. Either He is the Lord of every part of your life or He isn’t, and I watch my husband daily surrender to that. Christ is the pursuit of his life. He isn’t after stuff or status. He’s after making much of Jesus. He does this in how he loves his family, he does this in how he treats and speaks to people, and he does this in how he walks out every calling he’s been given. Not only is he one of the best teachers of the word of God I’ve ever heard, he teaches me how to live it. 

He is dedicated in his work. It is not uncommon for him (and by that I mean two to three or seven nights a week) to be sure his family is safely resting in bed only to head back downstairs to finish dishes and tidying up on his way to work. He works long past when the midnight oil burns out only to get up and do it again. His phone constantly rings, and he is always there to answer it with a helpful spirit, no matter the hour. Watching him care about his customers and coworkers reminds me of who he is. He is constantly the same great man to people in and out of our home, and having unwavering dedication to an honorable character is something to be treasured in this world. 

He is the best daddy. Seeing the joy on the faces of our babies when their daddy comes home warms my heart. They’ve usually both gone back and forth a few times looking for him because they know his schedule. When Lauren hears the door open, she yells, “Daddy’s home!” She races, with Ethan not far behind, to the door, and in an instant, Rob’s arms are almost as full as his heart. They love him like they do as a reflection of how loved they are by him. My babies have the best daddy, and seeing this and countless other examples of how he lays his life down for them, assures me that they’ll always know their value. 

He is my best friend. Rob really is the best kind of friend anyone could have. I remember quickly realizing how great a friend he was. I remember hanging out with him and getting to know his heart. I remember hours spent watching concert DVDs or taking drives learning more about this man.  It didn’t take long to realize that he would be the best friend I ever would have, that I was hopelessly in love with him, and that he was the one man I would always want to spend every single day of my life with. Those feelings have been reaffirmed to me for over more than a decade, countless times. Hearing his vows, buying our first house, seeing him hold each of our babies for the first time, knowing he supports all my dreams, and seeing him get into bed completely exhausted every day because he gave everything he had to honor God and love his family – these are the moments, along with a million others, that will serve as constant reminders to me of just how much God loves me and gave me His best!

He takes care of us. No matter what it’s ever looked like, he’s done what it took to take care of his family. He has worked so hard from before the day we said we’d love each other in good times and bad, for richer or poorer to show me I could always count on him. He has never let our family down in any way, and I’ll never have to be worried that he will. He trusts God and knows that He is our provider, and that gives me confidence in how secure every part of our future is. I often pray that God will continuously bless Rob’s efforts, and watching that unfold more and more is something I am honored to see. Not only does he take care of our physical needs, he is constantly checking in on our hearts. He takes care of ministering to us and lifting us up while sowing truth into our lives. 

Over ten years ago, I met and loved a guy with super-long, gorgeous hair, piercing blue eyes, and a smile that makes the whole world glow. Have I mentioned yet how incredibly handsome he is? I’ve gotten a front row seat to seeing who God has made him to be, and who he is becoming. I am proud of my husband, but more than that, I am thankful that God gave him to me to walk all my days with. 

That is who Rob is – a blood-purchased son of God who makes everything in this world better through who he is and how he loves. That is who Rob is, and it’s my joy that he will be mine for all my days!

Hannah or Matthew…

Tags

marriage, motherhood, pregnancy

It started with nighttime prayers. I asked Lauren if there was anything she wanted to thank God for or ask God for. She looked at me with a very serious face after pausing to consider and said, “Momma, I want a baby sister.” I said, “You want a baby sister?” She said, “Yes, of course!” I told her that she could always ask God for anything, anytime. She prayed, and then I tucked her in. 

As I got into our bed, I began counting. As I counted I thought to myself that maybe I should take a pregnancy test. I talked to Rob, and we bought some that next night so I could take them the following morning. 

There I sat fully convinced that there was no way I was going to see anything, but then I saw the first faint plus sign. Then I saw another on the next. I sat in disbelief for a few moments. I was definitely in shock, and at a loss for words. Since it was faint, I called my doctor’s office and they set up a lab appointment for me. That test came back with a STRONG positive. 

Rob was home when I got the call, and his smile beamed as he hugged and kissed me. I am not sure I’ve ever had such a strong mixture of excitement and terror. 

The excitement was so real, but so was the realization that we were going to be what might as well be a million miles from home through this pregnancy and with a newborn after. We had the best support system back home, and the realization that this time was going to be very different was a bit heartbreaking. 

I remember our hospital room being full or having a constant stream of visitors with both our babies. We were so blessed to know so many great people who wanted to celebrate with us, and thinking that we wouldn’t see those faces now just really broke something in me. It made me so sad. 

I prayed a few days about this, and then I remembered that no matter the distance or the differences, we were still going to get to have a baby. I was going to get to feel first flutters, see a sweet face in a sonogram again, see my tummy roll in the wake of big movements, and see another baby for the first time. I have had to choose to remember to place my focus on the joy in all that. 

As shock wore off, excitement was all that was left. Even though we couldn’t see everyone face to face that we wanted to tell, we’ve been making FaceTime and phone calls to share the news, and the joy expressed for us has made everything more and more real. It’s also served to remind us how great the new friendships we have are becoming, and it’s reminded us that distance and miles have in no way changed the love we share with so many great friends. 

I also couldn’t imagine having another baby anywhere besides Community in San Angelo or with another doctor besides Dr. Hajovsky.  I actually cried lots of real tears considering this. We were blessed with the best nurses, and doctor anyone could have so having anyone else seemed awful. We were blessed to find an amazing doctor here who I like very much. 

We’ve honestly been praying for the last several months about whether we were going to maybe have another baby, and we really weren’t sure if or when a right time would be. 

I actually told Rob the one thing I kept thinking was that I wasn’t sure I’d want to have more babies into my thirties or really even after thirty. Well, my due date is on my thirtieth birthday! God has an incredible sense of humor!

I have been sick a lot this pregnancy and continue to lose weight which isn’t a good thing. If there’s anything I would ask you to pray about, it’s that the blinding nausea will pass so I can stay healthy for me and our baby. Being so sick made finishing up my semester really hard. When you’re so sick you can hardly sit up, reading hundreds of pages each week and writing papers is basically the worst. I’m glad I was able to finish out my semester while keeping up my goal of having a 4.0, but more than that I am just ready for a break!

As I sit and think about what a blessing this baby already is, I have a heart full of joy and thanksgiving. T-MINUS 27-ish weeks to go!

One thing that has really been a blessing to us this time is that Lauren is old enough to really understand and be excited. Every night her sweet voice speaks these words, “There’s a baby in momma’s tummy. God bless the baby is momma’s tummy, and I want a baby sister. In the precious name of Jesus, Amen!” I don’t know if I can adequately express what a blessing hearing this is and the flood of emotion that hits me every time she prays this. 

As I began to think about what lies ahead, I expressed my concerns to Rob about just not being sure I could handle three kiddos, and the very real feeling that I might fail. I asked him to let my Mother’s Day gift be something I could look at to encourage me now and on the days that will surely come later that I will feel doubt. 

My husband is incredible. He designed and had a piece of wall decor made for me. It says, “Your greatest need is your greatest strength.” My greatest need in every part of my life is Jesus, and in every bit of weakness I have, His strength is made perfect in me! I don’t have to and can’t be strong enough on my own. Every minute of every day, His strength is there for me to lean and depend on! Oh, I rejoice and thank God for making Rob my husband. I rejoice that he constantly puts truth in front of me and helps it find a way to my heart. I will cherish this gift for the rest of my days. 

I’m reminded to choose joy today by the same voice and heart that was speaking over me when I heard God call out to me on the night I accepted Christ as my Savior. Thank you Morgan. In this season, it was an incredible blessing. 

Things will undoubtedly be different this time, but I can choose to find the joy in where God has us and what He is going to do. This is where we are, and God called us here and will be just as steadfast and true as He has been from before the foundations of the earth were set. 

I can remember everything He has already done for us in this time and place, and I can remember that there is so much joy ahead. 

So seven-ish weeks from now we’ll know if we’ll be meeting Hannah or Matthew…

  

They Have Taught Me…

Tags

kids, mother's day

As the minutes tick by until Mother’s Day, I’m laying in bed worn out from Ethan’s birthday party. It was one for the books, and as I think about my babies, I began to consider what they have taught me. I am always so focused on ABCs, polite manners, teaching them about Jesus, and a million other things that I don’t know that I’ve ever considered what I have learned by being their momma. Here’s what I know:

• I know what it means to put someone else first in every way, no matter what. I know what it means for this to feel like no sacrifice at all. 
• I know that what you do and how you do things is what matters. There are days I say I look like a hobo, but that doesn’t mean anything to my kids. They see me for me, and they care about how I love and invest in them. 
• Loving unconditionally. They just love me because I’m their momma. I didn’t have to earn that unwavering love. They just love me.
• It’s important to let out the big belly laughs and just be silly. 
• It’s okay to be upset and cry.
• Patience. Every day they help me remember how patient God is with me. In His patience, He is rich in mercy. 
• Grace. I have had to learn the importance of stressing and giving grace. Again, just like God’s grace covers me, I try to show them that in every situation. The hardest place is in discipline, but I have to remember that I am teaching them the best way. Sometimes God graciously disciplines us to show us the best way too. 
• They have taught me that the small things are the big things. 
• I learned to tell my friends I love them.
• I learned to be fully okay with needing someone. 
• I learned to be okay with asking for help.
• They have taught me to notice the joy in the journey. 
• They have taught me the importance of play and fun. 
• They have taught me what it means to be brave. 
• They have taught me to be more daring. 
• They have taught me the importance of saying I LOVE YOU!
• They have taught me how good it is to give hugs. 
• It’s okay to be wrong. 
• Perfection can’t be the goal. 

There are probably a million more things, and I am most definite in knowing that everyday they also teach me who I want to be. I want to be the mommy who they know values and cherishes them. I want them to never doubt my love for them or what they mean to me. I want them to know that no matter how right or wrong I get things, I gave everything I had everyday. 

God has put me in such a pivotal role in their lives, and tonight in a new way, I can see a bigger picture of their role in mine. 

Every day I say this to my babies:

“You are a gift and a blessing and a joy. I will love you forever and ever. Always and no matter what!”

God used them to teach me what it means to see people this way. God used them to teach me how He sees people, and God used them to teach me how He sees me. 

I look forward to years of lessons I will learn from them. I can’t wait to see who I end up being. I hope I make them proud, and more than that, I hope they always know how dear they are to me. 

Lauren and Ethan, thanks for being two of mommy’s best teachers! 

Alone…

Shame. Guilt. Fear. Anxiety. Rejection. In my experience & in the experience of people I know well, these feeling – which are so real – are hard to contend with. I was praying for a friend, and after, I realized something that is common to all of these feelings. They make you feel alone. Isolating feelings make you an easier target to be pummeled over and over. When we feel alone in it, that’s where lies creep in. 

Those lies seek to strangle and mare us. Those lies push us back down into the darkness and say no one will understand or people will think worse of you if they know or that you just need to keep this to yourself. 

Those lies do wound us in the deepest places. They cause anger. They cause bitterness towards others and towards ourselves. Something in us begins to atrophy and die. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”  John 10:10

As satan kills our joy, steals our voice, and destroys our peace, we lose sight of the fact that Jesus came to give us more. He died so we could have the most abundant life. We take our eyes off of Him and fix them on the problems and feelings and lose sight of the one who already bled and died to heal them. That makes you feel alone, like you have nowhere to go. It keeps you from going to the one place that real healing and restoration can come. 

No matter how you feel God is near – your feelings don’t change who He is or His character. Those lies don’t change who He is either. He is a father who loves you. He is the father who at great cost to Himself sent His Son to die for our sin but also so that we could enter in and know Him personally. 

When I think of all these feelings, I often think of Job who suffered great loss. When He finally speaks out and against God, He answers him in Job 38-39, and this verse, “Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty? He who argues with God, let him answer it.” – Job 40:2 I think this must have been a terrifying moment!

I think in these feelings, just like Job had, the greatest deception is the push toward blaming or rejecting God. It causes us to be blinded with the lie that our loss or struggle is on Him. Genesis 3. He did not create the world to be what it is. We live in the days after the fall. He didn’t create us to be bullies or to harm ourselves or to rape or to be racist or to be selfish. Man chose to sin and brought everything bad into the world, but just when satan thought he had won, he couldn’t see that God had already made a way back to Himself that would be used for our good and His glory. 

If you are struggling, that truth is the same for your situation as it was for the fall. The way has been made to get out. That doesn’t mean your situation is going to be exactly what you want, but OH, YOU WILL WALK DIFFERENTLY IN IT! You will walk in the peace afforded to you by the blood of Jesus, and in that there is freedom! “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” – Galatians 5:1 

Do not be yoked to lies meant to hinder and drown you. In accepting His freedom we are really free to face everything completely differently. We face loss differently. We face hardship differently. We face death differently. We experience joy differently. We are free to love ourselves differently. None of this is dependent on us. It is dependent on God who has always been the same! Depending on His steadfast faithfulness is better than depending on ourselves or the things that bind us. 

Here’s the truth.  You are not alone: the Bride is there, but ultimately God is always with us. He has given us each other to walk with. That doesn’t mean people won’t let you down, but it does mean you can be held and encouraged when you need it. Pushing Him away doesn’t change His availability, but it does decide how long you will be stuck. He is near to the broken-hearted. Your bitterness toward Him does not change His love or affections toward you. That is very good news. If He could be swayed to leave us because of how we respond to Him, He wouldn’t be a God worth serving. 

This was all stirred in me after I was praying for a friend & heard a song. I Am Not Alone by Kari Jobe. It is beautiful. It has been the only thing I’ve listened to for days as God has worked this out in my heart. 

“I Am Not Alone”

When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me

When I’m standing in the fire

I will not be overcome

Through the valley of the shadow

I will not fear

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow

I see Your light is breaking through

The dark of night will not overtake me

I am pressing into You

Lord, You fight my every battle

And I will not fear

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

You amaze me

Redeem me

You call me as Your own

You’re my strength

You’re my defender

You’re my refuge in the storm

Through these trials

You’ve always been faithful

You bring healing to my soul

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

Here’s a link to the video: http://youtu.be/bfveawSAHJA

Do not curl up and hide and despair. Don’t buy the lies that bind you. You have been or can be ransomed and redeemed. You are not alone. God has always been and will always be waiting for you to come home. Just like the father in Luke 15. He is waiting for you along a dusty road. He is waiting for you to look up and be reminded and to remember His love. Go to Him. You don’t have to be alone. You are not alone. 

  

Ethan’s Birth Story

Tags

birthing story

He’s my pal. He’s my buddy. As I stare down the few days between now and his second birthday, I feel inspired to tell the story of his birth. 

Pregnancy with Lauren spoiled me. Never having morning sickness or nausea at all was incredible so I was blindsided when those things hit with Ethan. I threw up a lot! I threw up so much that anytime Lauren was in the bathroom, she’d walk over to the toilet, and say, “Momma look!” as she made puking noises while leaning over the toilet! That always made me laugh as I crawled back to the couch.

Having a toddler to keep up with also made this pregnancy much different than my first. I was thankful for our big porch where we played with sidewalk chalk and our bubble machine for hours. 

Moving out of my first trimester made me feel so much better. The other major thing going on was that we were trying to sell our house. It was so hard to keep our house “show ready” as pregnancy progressed. We decided that if we hadn’t sold and moved by 30 weeks, we’d take if off the market until after Ethan was born. I was ready to take this step, but as if God knew a silent prayer in my heart, I was so excited to have Ethan with family and friends close by!

I’ll never forget the day we found out that our baby would be Ethan. Lauren had gone to an in-home day care with Nana while I worked, and we still tried to take Lauren to see her Nana and play with her best friends at least once a week. This also helped with appointments. We wanted her to be included in every step with the baby so we had the stenographer Cher write down the sex and seal it in an envelope. As soon  as Dr. Hajovsky walked in she said, “So is it a boy or girl?” We told her we didn’t know and she said, “Please tell me you’re finding out because otherwise I can’t know either or I might slip!” We told her we were going to find out with Lauren so she could know too. She said, “Thank God. I’m going to look as soon as you leave!” We left from there to Halfmann’s to buy blue or pink cookies, but since it was close to Christmas, they didn’t have blue or pink so we bought white ones. Then we went to HEB and bought pink and blue sprinkles. Then we went to Nana’s house and let her sprinkle them the appropriate color. We always laugh  at the fact that she knew before we did! 

Weeks moved pretty quickly up until this. Then right after, I fell after stepping in a hole I couldn’t see in a parking lot and broke my ankle. That was the worst. All I could do was ice it, take Tylenol, and wear a boot. It hurt so bad, and I couldn’t get around at all for the first few days because of the swelling. I drug my aching foot and that heavy boot around for 11 weeks! I’m still doing physical therapy for it. 

After this, we got his room set up with the help of a bunch of friends. Then, we waited. Since Lauren was born so early, I didn’t know what I full 40 weeks of pregnancy was like. I got really tired really quickly by week 39, and they were anticipating him being at least 9 pounds. We had the just in case c-section talk with Dr. Hajovsky because there was a chance I wouldn’t be able to push this giant guy out. At that check up, she said if he wasn’t there on Sunday (40 weeks), we’d induce Monday. 

I had a 8:00 appointment at labor and delivery that got botched so I had to go in at 4 am. I love my girl Lauren, and it was very clear to me that her life would never be the same again either. I wanted to give her one last normal day so I drove myself to the hospital, and Rob stayed home with her and took her to Nana’s after she got up and had a special daddy/daughter donut date. 

When I got there, I made my way through the maze of construction and found my first nurse who got me to my birthing suite. I got to put on my own hospital gown my sweet friend Lindsay had gifted me. I settled in to get checked, and had already dilated to 4 cm on my own, and my water was ready to break. It was go time! As shifts changed, I ended up getting the best nurse on the planet, Danielle. I had actually worked on her Chrysalis flight when she was a teenager so it was like God returning that blessing to me because she was phenomenal! She took the best care of us. 

Rob walked in just after 8am, and I was 7 cm dilated, and pushing the button for my epidural. After that, I got some much needed rest because the hard work of pushing was coming next. 

I don’t know if it was the drugs or experience, but I was even ok with a female student from Junction coming in to observe which was definitely not me. She was the sweetest lady though and was so encouraging. Danielle checked me one more time and said, “Don’t cough or sneeze until Dr. Hajovsky gets here. You’re fully dilated!”

I didn’t have many pushes after she got there. Ethan was ready to come out, and as soon as he did she lifted up the most beautiful little boy and said, “Oh yah, he’s at least 8 pounds for sure.” He let out a beautiful cry as they took him to check him out. My husband kissed me forehead and told me how proud he was of me before going to look at our son. As they handed him to me I prayed the same prayer I’d been praying for 40 weeks: “May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make His face shine upon you. May He be gracious to you. May He lift His countenance upon you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26

It was such a sweet moment. I got to pray for him and see his face for the first time. I’ll always cherish that. 

Since he was such a big guy, I had to nurse him while they checked his blood sugar every 15 minutes for the first hour after he was born. I always laugh at how he came out ready to eat! Thankfully, everything checked out with his blood sugar, and we both got to get cleaned up and checked out. 

We had so many people come see him that day. As a room full of people looked at him so lovingly, I was thankful that he was born right in San Angelo in the middle of family and friends who loved him right away!

We went home the next day, and six weeks later, we relisted our house. It sold within weeks after that. Ethan was so tiny as we began packing, but taking him to the same home we took Lauren to was such a reminder to trust God and His timing and what He has for us!

Now, almost two years later, we get to celebrate our little Cinco de Mayo man again. I hope he always knows what a blessing he is. I hope he always knows how contagious his smile and laughter are. I hope he knows how much joy his endless energy brings our family. I hope he knows that he will always be my guy, and that I love him more with each passing second! I am so proud and blessed to be his momma, and I thank God for that privilege daily!