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We are about to celebrate our TENTH wedding anniversary. We always trade off years of planning and organizing our anniversary that way it isn’t always one of us doing that part alone. This year is my year, and I’m so excited about every part except one. I am not excited about finding something to wear. 

Don’t hear what I’m not saying. I really can’t wait to celebrate with my husband, but:

  • This body is not the same as it was on our wedding day ten years ago. 
  • This body fit beautifully into my dress where you could tell all those mornings of working out gave me the look I wanted to have. The small waist. The curves. The toned arms. I earned those things. 
  • This body has since grown and delivered three babies in less than five years since that day. 
  • This body is different, and has stretch marks and other “leftovers” from pregnancy. 

I have read all the posts about a momma tiger earning her stripes, and I want to own that. Here’s the truth, there is insecurity in me about this. There’s an insecurity in looking back on that day knowing that it will not be as easy to find something to wear that makes me feel confident as it was back then.  

I am confident in the person I am. I am confident in the love my husband has for me and his attraction to me, but that doesn’t mean I have to pretend that going dress shopping not knowing what is going to fit or how it’s going to fit or how I’ll feel once I stand in front of a mirror with something on to be judge and jury for myself is an exciting prospect. 

I have been working hard. I’ve been disciplined in eating well, drinking water, and being accountable to my step goals. I am seriously trying to find a way to workout. I love to workout. Anyone who has known me probably knows I was a competitor for most of my life. I was always a runner. I have put miles and miles and miles behind me, but now as I pursue my education and raise my babies, it’s hard to find the time and space for that. I’m left with this body as it is until I can do that. 

I really am not near the weight or size I was post-birthing 6 months ago, and I get to be proud of that. I also have earned the right to be honest with myself. I will go dress shopping. I will probably have to go to several stores before I find anything I like and I feel good in. That will be hard and frustrating, but this heart has earned the right to celebrate no matter what I wear because the last ten years have been incredible.

No matter how much I am not excited to be reminded of all that is different about my body as it is today, I am excited about how far we’ve come. I am also thankful for my babies. The things I hate so much are a remnant of what made me a momma. It’s what had to happen did those babies to come into this world, and I’m thankful for them. I will always be more thankful for them than sad about what it did to my body to get them here. 

So here I am. Fingers crossed and hoping that there’s something out there that I can feel beautiful in for one incredibly special occasion. Here I am, trying to love where I’m at, despite all the imperfections that replace what I once had to fight so hard to love. I had years of struggling with find beauty in myself so this is not a foreign battle to me. This time I’m hoping for the grace to do that on some level. I’m hoping to remember what finding that was like- in this body.