Do We Remember?

Tags

American rights, peaceful protest, unity

There’s more disunity in our nation today than I can remember in a very long time. Coming on the heels of 9/11, I couldn’t help but ask myself one question: “Do we really remember?”

Do we remember the piercing blow we all felt as the Twin Towers crumbled and burned as we watched other Americans scramble to save those who were in harms way? Do we really remember the devastation that swept our land as we learned about a plane headed for the pentagon? Do we remember the skies filled with smoke? Do we remember that the names etched into monuments at Ground Zero represent real people? Do we really remember that day?

I think if we really remembered how wounded our nation was, we would have to remember how the chant that rose from there was one of being “United!” It was beautiful to see aid sent, people come together in prayer, every difference matter less, and everyone’s pain matter as we wrapped arms around each other. 

Today, every place you look is flooded with disunity. I want to say something I know will be unpopular, but it’s just truth:

It is your right to disagree with the reasons why someone protests anything, but it is also their right under the Constitution and Bill of Rights to do that. I would rather see someone exercise their right peacefully, whether or not I agree with them, instead of burning down neighborhoods, hurting others, or making everyone remember their reckless actions more than their cause. 

Here’s what I wonder. Are we willing to listen to the reason anyone chooses to protest or are we willing to listen to the reasons given by others? Would you be willing to sit down with someone doing something you don’t agree with to find out why, from them? Not from media outlets. Not from those who are also opposed. Would you be willing to sit down with them, listen to them, and still care about loving them and extending grace to them more than pounding your drum so loud you can’t hear them? 

Does that mean you have to change your mind about why you disagree? No. Does that mean they have to stop the protest? No. Does that mean that we care more about each other than who is “right?” Yes. 

That’s the place to start. Concern for our fellow men. Concern for a narrative that may not be true for our lives, but is true for theirs. 

Does name-calling help? No. Does being hateful and unwilling to listen unite us? No. 

If you were to sit down with someone protesting something in our country and they said it had nothing to do with their love and respect for service members, first responders, veterans, and those who died for our country while protecting every right they are exercising, could you hear that? Could you set aside your own preconceived notions to hear this when others have said this is what they are trying to do? 

I am the proud sister of two Veterans, proud niece of Veteran uncles, and I love my country. I am an American, but I have to remember that those that think differently from me are too.

More than that, the founding fathers of our nation started this great experiment of a country because they were unheard. Our roots are in our rights to stand up. That’s why they were pinned so passionately in our laws. Our right to say no to the status quo are fundamentally American. 

Maybe if we review the words in our anthem or founding documents we could also hear those protesting say that they don’t feel like they are free to the pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness. Maybe we could just hear that, and whether or not we think they are right, we could do them the basic act of decency of saying that though I agree or disagree I want to understand where you are in this because all American deserve a voice and to be seen and heard. 

Instead of digging heels in on either side, we have to be willing to listen. We have to care about Americans when their experiences are different from ours, and we have to care about preserving the experiment of democracy that’s continuing in our country. There was no roadmap to perfect democracy when our nation started, but what we have here is worth preserving, united as a nation birthed from tyranny, created by immigrants, and whose mark is pressing toward inalienable rights being both protected and exercised. 

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Today, I Wore Shorts

Tags

body image, fit mom, love yourself, mom body, motherhood, self care

The title of this post may seem like no big deal, but it was for me. I have always been body conscious in a lot of ways I don’t want to re-hash here. After having three kids, this is even more true. 

Right after our third baby was born, I finished up the physical therapy on the ankle I broke when I was 30 weeks pregnant with our second baby. I was finally cleared to be active again as long as I kept up with my PT work. I knew there would not be a whole lot or really any time for me to go to a gym, but I knew there was one place I could take initiative and control- the kitchen. 

I committed myself to drinking plenty of water and trying to eat lean protein and veggies. After about ten months, I am wearing a size medium very comfortably. This was a huge milestone for me. 

I still feel like I have a really long way to go. I’ve also seen the need to push my mind into places of being challenged. Yesterday that meant wearing shorts. 

I haven’t liked the shape my legs are in for years. I can see that they are improving by getting more lean and toned as I get more healthy, but I mostly see the imperfections when I look there. If you’ve ever worn something that’s not 100% in your comfort zone, your mind says everyone is staring at you and seeing only the same imperfections you do.  It says this is a mistake and you look gross. It says hide. 

So I wore shorts yesterday, and you know what? My mind was wrong. I don’t think anyone saw anything but a woman walking through the grocery store with her baby. I will admit it took me really trying and fighting the urge to throw on jeans a few times throughout the day, but I made it through. I wore shorts. 

I’ve decided that though my body isn’t where I want to get eventually, there’s no reason I can’t celebrate where I’m at and find new love in each phase of the process. I feel brave now for muscling through. 

Your day may have been filled with bigger challenges, but for this mom of three who is fighting hard to love my body now, this was a huge victory in my mind and heart.

I can wear shorts. I can wear shorts! I can wear shorts! And you can too! What’s that thing that makes you scared? Do it. Let go of fear and know you deserve to be brave today. 

Drop Your Net

Tags

faith, Jesus calling, letting go, open hand, trusting God

I was driving and praying about a lot of things this week. My babies going back to school has given me lots of time for this. One thing I’ve prayed for is strength to be obedient and disciplined in following God’s calling. As I was driving and praying about this, I thought about this:

“While walking by the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon (who is called Peter) and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea, for they were fishermen. And he said to them, ‘Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.’ Immediately they left their nets and followed him.” – Matthew 4:18-20

These men had been trained for years to do this one thing their whole lives. They woke up every day to fish, and knew that’s what they would do until the day they died. This is what they knew. This is what they were comfortable in. In a split second Jesus called and they left all they had ever known to follow Him. They didn’t question. They didn’t hesitate. They just dropped their nets. 

That’s the part that really got me. The nets. Nets serve one purpose- to capture, to snare, to trap. Christ gives us all callings, but how many of us drop our nets and go instead of holding onto what we know? When we hear His voice, do we make excuses to stay where we are instead of dropping it and going? 

Stepping into the calling of pursuing Graduate school after moving across the country again while raising three kids does not seem like the best timing decision. I was actually on the phone with my cousin this week and made that joke. Then I realized that was an excuse to hold  my net that would have trapped me into ignoring God’s call. That made me so thankful for the confidence God gave me when I began thinking about what He had for me in light of my gifts and where He would call me to serve. 

How often do we do this? How often to we hold on to what we know or what we like or what we love or what is familiar and ignore God’s call? This doesn’t even have to be with things that we know aren’t good. This can be with things that are great. We can hold so tightly to our net that we are so comfortable with that when God challenges us to let go and follow Him, we can’t and won’t. 

This can even be with behavior. You can be a worrisome person. You look for things to worry about or immediately think of the worst possible outcome in any situation. That’s a place where it’s easy to see a  tendency to become snared. There are others places that it’s so much harder to see. How we follow the Lord. Why we love Him. Do we follow Him because we love Him or do we ignore in the places that don’t give us what we want or justify what pleases us right now? Do we really love God or His “stuff?”

There are so many nets out there to be trapped in that when God teaches us His truth through His word or through someone who shares His truth with us, we have to be willing to let those things go to follow Him. If you love Him you will follow Him. If you aren’t willing to let go of that thing, He is not your greatest treasure and you don’t really love Him. 

If God calls you out of something, He is calling you to something higher. Marriage is a great example of this. If you have married someone, God is calling you into the role of husband or wife. Your willingness or unwillingness to step into that says so much about how you love the Lord. If Jesus says, “Follow me,” He knows where He’s taking you. You can trust that more than what you’re holding. 

You can trust Him more than the anger or frustration you feel. You can trust Him more than the greatest joy you’ve ever known. Your feelings are not a place to trust or act from. They are constantly changing, but God is constantly unchanging and we can lean and depend on His steadfastness. You can trust His heart for you. 

I hope to remember this in the days ahead. I hope to never hold onto a thing I know isn’t good or to hold onto something that is a blessing so hard that when Jesus calls, I ignore Him to have what I want. I hope to always want Him most. 

Out Loud

Tags

Developmental delay, expressive language delay, Language delay, prayer, praying out loud

Saying it’s been a hectic month doesn’t seem intense enough a statement for what life has looked like, but saying things are going good doesn’t seem like a positive enough one either. 

As we get settled after moving back across the country, I’m thinking back over the last week, and my heart is still rejoicing over one moment in particular that shifted my vision and reminded me of God’s heart. 

I was driving to pick my niece up from the airport, and I was praying out loud. I remember our pastor Bob encouraging us to do that. He talked about the freedom and the power in just saying and hearing your heart pour out to the Lord. I’ll admit, it felt super awkward at first, but now it feels like freedom. I find myself being more honest out loud. There’s something in that where being willing to get over the first awkward part really frees you up to be honest in ways you may not know you need to be. 

As I was praying, I prayed about the kid’s new schools. I prayed for loving teachers who will “get” them and help them. I also thanked God for the miracle that is their continued progress and asked for more. I prayed and talked about the hurt in my heart for not hearing their voices or knowing what they need or think all the time because they can’t just always tell me. I told God how hard it was and how I longed to hear them. 

Then I still, small voice whispered to my heart, “I know what it means to long to hear from your children.” That went off like a bomb in my heart and mind. It was the voice that said I know your hurt. It was the voice that said you aren’t alone in this. It was the voice that said I can heal this hurt because I know it. It was the voice that invited me into more time and depth with my Abba Father. 

This revelation has given me renewed hope in this struggle. He’s there, listening, caring, and responding when I call out. He’s there for you too. In all of this struggle, I have to always remember that as an heir and daughter of God the most important thing I can do is sit with Him, be honest with Him, and trust His father heart. 

I’m thankful for this moment that affirmed so much for me, and I’m thankful for all that God has done to show me He loves me. 

Chaos

Tags

abiding, being busy, identity, identity in Christ, resting, to do list

I can’t believe I’m alone in this so I have to write about it. I would be okay with being alone is this, but life has taught me that speaking out in your struggle gives others the freedom to be honest about theirs. We were liberated through the Cross to walk in freedom, and sometimes I’m really bad at it because I don’t look there in chaos. 

When things get too busy. When life becomes overwhelming. When the list of extras is just as long as the every day have-tos, all I see is the chaos. That’s when it pummels me, and as of this morning, I know why. 

I fixed my eyes there. I get caught up in it and it topples over and I get pinned down. It’s all I can see. In the fight for peace to stand in and rest in and be still in, I struggle out from under the pile of “everything,” and that doesn’t bring my soul rest. If anything it makes me more worn than doing the lists would. Do you see it? 

I fix my eyes on the doing. This isn’t to say life isn’t full of stuff that needs to and has to be done, but that’s not where I need to look. 

If my eyes are ever-fixed on Jesus, I see He is my rest. I see He, through the in dwelling of His very spirit, has given me what I need to abide and rest in Him- no matter how chaotic life is. It doesn’t even have to be “bad stuff” for the chaos to become a distraction from this bigger truth. 

In all seasons, at all times I can step into this if I choose to not get so drawn into everything else and let those things become what my life is about. Seasons roll on and on, and there will always be somewhere to go, something to clean, laundry to wash, and on and on. The difference is knowing that those things being knocked out of the park or left unfinished for another day don’t define who I am. Who I am is not changed by the chaos. 

That’s the real sting in it. We see ourselves and measure our success in how much we do when who you are has been established and is unshakable in Christ. There will always be more, but find your room to rest in it. Find a space for your mind to ease. Find a place for your heart to mend if it needs to.  

No matter how chaotic it all may seem right now, the only real way through it is to lean into the One who calls you to rest and abide in Him. Cast the chaos aside and see the depth of love poured out for you. Dwell in it. Soak it in. Abide in it. 

It was costly and a blessing that was purchased through Christ accomplishing everything on the Cross that needed to be done so that you can have this available at every moment. Don’t be blinded by the ever evolving list like I am sometimes. I hope to walk in this truth that landed in my heart yesterday in a sustained way. It is surely a blessing to know it, and it will be an even bigger one to rest in. 

Waiting On Flowers

Tags

motherhood, self care, self love, self worth, validation, Women

I am not very good at taking care of myself. That’s a hard sentence to type. I type it because I’m learning it means something different than what I always believed. Maybe I should say it this way: I’m not very good at self-care. 

See in my mind I’ve always thought doing the things I have to do to keep my body alive are all I am responsible to myself for. I eat (as many meals as I can). I drink water (as often as I can). I keep myself clean. I keep myself up and running. Survival mode. I push to be sure my body survives as best it can to do what it has to do. That’s not caring for myself. That’s not caring for my mind or heart. 

At some point I began to believe those things didn’t matter in the big scheme. What I really convinced myself into believing was that those places don’t matter as much as everything or everyone else. 

How did I see this? How did I know it? How did I realize I let some of the most valuable parts of me lose their weight of worth? Flowers. It started with flowers. 

I love fresh cut flowers. It could be because I grew up gardening. It could be because they are a vibrant splash of color and life on any countertop. It could be because of their fragrance. Whatever the reason, I love flowers. Anytime I have them, I smile when I see them. That’s important. They make me smile like they kindle or kick-start joy deep inside my chest. 

I was standing in a Trader Joe’s a month ago looking at all the wonderful bouquets, and I was doing a good job of talking myself out of buying them. “I don’t need them. That’s $6.99 out of our budget I don’t need to spend. They will just have to be tossed out in a week. I don’t need them.”

This thinking nagged at me and that feeling stayed with me. Was it really about the money? Was it because I don’t make an actual income I felt like something just for me was a waste when I don’t contribute to the “bottom line?” I will note here that my husband has never treated me this way, but I didn’t realize until this moment that I had. He’s the person who encourages me to buy healthy options that are just for me so I can reach me goals of overall wellness. He’s the person who tells me over and over that I don’t have to earn anything because the person I am is worthy of everything. 

Was it really about the money? For a stretch of our marriage I actually made more money than my husband did, and even then there were plenty of things I passed on that would have been just for my joy. It wasn’t really about that. 

At the bottom of it all, it was my unwillingness to do something for myself outside the scope of just keeping my body running. It was staring at something that cost a measly $0.46 a day, if I bought them twice a month, and thinking I shouldn’t have that. It was about being unwilling to see where I was content to survive and unwilling to see that was different than thriving. 

So often we cheat ourselves. We settle into whatever fills the gap instead of addressing what our hearts really ache for. I wanted to be worthy of flowers, and I didn’t see that ache in me or that I actually was. 

So often I think we sit and wait for someone else to bring us flowers because then we know we’ve earned them. We wait for someone else to confirm our worth. We wait and wait because it’s easier than staring ourselves down and realizing that we don’t need others to do this for us. More than that, if we haven’t already done this for ourselves, we’ll never be able to really accept it when someone else does. We’ll have flowers in hand, questioning why someone would give them to us. 

What does this mean? It’s time to go find your flowers. Find that thing, whatever it is, that puts that smile on your face. Find that thing that splashes the canvas of your life with color and beauty. Find that thing that gives your life the sweetest fragrance. 

Don’t wait for it. It’s out there, and it can be as simple as a bouquet that you smell in between diaper changes and dishes. You are worthy of thriving. Go ahead. Buy the flowers. 

This Body…

Tags

dress shopping, insecurity, motherhood, post baby body, self care, stretch marks

We are about to celebrate our TENTH wedding anniversary. We always trade off years of planning and organizing our anniversary that way it isn’t always one of us doing that part alone. This year is my year, and I’m so excited about every part except one. I am not excited about finding something to wear. 

Don’t hear what I’m not saying. I really can’t wait to celebrate with my husband, but:

• This body is not the same as it was on our wedding day ten years ago. 
• This body fit beautifully into my dress where you could tell all those mornings of working out gave me the look I wanted to have. The small waist. The curves. The toned arms. I earned those things. 
• This body has since grown and delivered three babies in less than five years since that day. 
• This body is different, and has stretch marks and other “leftovers” from pregnancy. 

I have read all the posts about a momma tiger earning her stripes, and I want to own that. Here’s the truth, there is insecurity in me about this. There’s an insecurity in looking back on that day knowing that it will not be as easy to find something to wear that makes me feel confident as it was back then.  

I am confident in the person I am. I am confident in the love my husband has for me and his attraction to me, but that doesn’t mean I have to pretend that going dress shopping not knowing what is going to fit or how it’s going to fit or how I’ll feel once I stand in front of a mirror with something on to be judge and jury for myself is an exciting prospect. 

I have been working hard. I’ve been disciplined in eating well, drinking water, and being accountable to my step goals. I am seriously trying to find a way to workout. I love to workout. Anyone who has known me probably knows I was a competitor for most of my life. I was always a runner. I have put miles and miles and miles behind me, but now as I pursue my education and raise my babies, it’s hard to find the time and space for that. I’m left with this body as it is until I can do that. 

I really am not near the weight or size I was post-birthing 6 months ago, and I get to be proud of that. I also have earned the right to be honest with myself. I will go dress shopping. I will probably have to go to several stores before I find anything I like and I feel good in. That will be hard and frustrating, but this heart has earned the right to celebrate no matter what I wear because the last ten years have been incredible.

No matter how much I am not excited to be reminded of all that is different about my body as it is today, I am excited about how far we’ve come. I am also thankful for my babies. The things I hate so much are a remnant of what made me a momma. It’s what had to happen did those babies to come into this world, and I’m thankful for them. I will always be more thankful for them than sad about what it did to my body to get them here. 

So here I am. Fingers crossed and hoping that there’s something out there that I can feel beautiful in for one incredibly special occasion. Here I am, trying to love where I’m at, despite all the imperfections that replace what I once had to fight so hard to love. I had years of struggling with find beauty in myself so this is not a foreign battle to me. This time I’m hoping for the grace to do that on some level. I’m hoping to remember what finding that was like- in this body. 

Loss

Tags

child loss, God's love, prayer, praying for others

It’s hard to know where to start when staring down something so heavy. It’s hard to explain how you can grieve deeply someone you never knew. I think part of that comes, at least for me, from having my own babies and from prayer.

For the last several months I have been praying and have been teaching my kids to pray for a little girl who had brain cancer. She passed away last week, and we stopped praying for her comfort and prayed a prayer of thanksgiving for her life. You do not have to have a lot of birthdays to change the world. Hadlee taught me that. 

I learned her story through social media. Several of my Facebook friends shared her story, and right then I added Hadlee and her family to our daily prayers. You don’t have to know people to pray for them, but it’s been my experience that praying for someone will move your heart to love them. 

I talked to my daughter about her and we prayed for her. I prayed for her and her parents and her siblings. Lauren is old enough now that she understands these kind of things quite a bit better than Ethan. 

I have written about the difficulty in watching my children struggle with expressive language delays, but I can’t begin to think what it would be like to watch your toddler battle cancer. I know the pain I feel in the challenge my children have because I never want to watch them struggle. That seems so small comparatively, but as a pastor I listen to once wrote, “Pain is pain.” His point is there is no point in comparing. The worst thing you’ve ever lost or experienced may not be as “bad” as someone else, but he says that doesn’t matter because it’s the worst pain you’ve ever known. This is important coming from Levi Lusko. He writes about this in his book Through the Eyes of A Lion where he discusses a loss Hadlee’s parents now know; the loss of a child. He lost Lenya to unforeseen tragedy. It’s an incredible book, and I would encourage anyone to read it. 

That’s honestly the worst thing I can imagine. It would be living a nightmare. It would destroy my heart. It would wound me in ways and places that would probably not ever fully recover. Something would always be different. I think most parents feel that way. I love my children deeply and the thought of losing one of them is so devastating it makes me feel sick. 

It would be a nightmare. It would change me. I would learn to live with it and pray for healing in those places. It would be something I would never want anyone to go through. It’s why I’ve been praying for Hadlee’s parents so much. It’s a pain they know. It’s part of their story. It’s part of who they are, but from what I have seen, so is Jesus. 

As I was praying for them the first time after learning of Hadlee’s passing and I remember thinking, “God I don’t know what to pray besides be their comfort.” As soon as I thought this, I remembered or had a revelation or was given this and I stopped and typed it into a note on my phone right then:

We serve a God who endured separation from His child. We serve a God who predestined this pain of searing loss from before time so that I would know His love. He chose to love me and He made a way for me to know that love at great cost to Himself. The depth of His love for me was greater than the depth of pain in crushing His Son so I could know Him and enjoy Him forever. He lived what I consider a nightmare to love me. 

This is something I knew before, but it’s something I know differently now. The depth of love He feels for me is more real to me in the sense that I think differently about what it cost God to have it. For me. For you. 

I’m thankful that Hadlee taught me how to teach my kids about praying for others. I am thankful that Hadlee taught me something incredibly beautiful about God’s love for me that I hope never leaves me. I am thankful for the privilege of praying for her, and I will pray for her family everyday. 

I will close by sharing a link to a sermon from Levi Lusko. 

Last Words

Tags

Anxiety, Developmental delay, expressive language delay, facing hurt, Fear, motherhood, self care, special education, This Is Us

We were watching This Is Us, and a scene came on that suffocated me with how real it was. It’s a scene where the mom Rebecca is in a cabin frantically running from door to door turning locks, and it’s being explained to her son watching from the outside that all she’s doing, really doing, is trying to keep everything out that could hurt anyone and she’s trying to keep everyone safe – no matter the cost to her.

I realized while watching this scene unfold that THIS IS ME! At some point while learning techniques for how to help my kids, doing activities, making support tools, working with them hands-on, and all the other life things I do, I pushed what I felt about this struggle down. I buried it under the “doing of stuff” so far that I was aware of my feelings but numb to them.

I didn’t realize I had done this. When this scene unfolded, it was like standing up on a foot that’s been asleep. You didn’t know it was numb, but once you lean onto it, you feel it come alive, and it hurts. 

It hurt so bad. It hurt to finally let all the weight of everything begin to fall. I have felt so tired for the last few weeks now as the bandage has been peeling off this deep wound. I feel these feelings in a way that is completely new to me that is also almost impossible to explain. I have these feelings, but I also have to remember the truth. I wrote a post a while back titled “When you know what you know, but feel what you feel.” I’m glad God moved my heart to start writing out what He has given me in the last few years. It has been great for my heart to go back to those things later, and if I hadn’t captured those words then, they wouldn’t be encouraging me now. 

Here’s what I know:

• My children are fearfully and wonderfully made
• My babies are incredible people filled with more amazing qualities than I could list here 
• Whatever comes out of this challenge they have both faced and are continually making progress through will in the end be for their good and God’s glory
• It’s okay for the struggle to hurt

I hurt in it. I’ve been alone in it. I have lost part of being honest with myself in making new charts and finding new activities. I have allowed myself to be more their teacher in this area and less their momma to wall off and protect myself from the real stuff in it. That doesn’t mean I have not loved them well or done those things from any place of motivation that wasn’t good. It just means I busied myself and the result was distraction from my own feelings. It is impossible to not want to just fix whatever is wrong for those you love. If I could have waived a wand and made it all different I would have, but I instead did the things I knew would help them – those things just didn’t honor the real stuff that was happening in my own heart.

The real stuff is hard and scary and unsettling. The real stuff is not without hope though. The real stuff just requires facing in honesty what IS and how that FEELS. I’m learning all the time those are different. 

Today I don’t have all the answers, but I know that I love them all the time. I know that’s the most important thing. I know my husband and I will see them through every challenge that comes along with love in our hearts that are fully surrendered to Christ. I know that whatever comes or whatever work has to be done, it will happen. They will have every opportunity to grow and develop. It will all happen.

As my nerves open up to a pain long buried, I’m not really alone. I have my best friend and husband. I have beautiful children who make every day, no matter how difficult, worth it. I have a name written on the hands of my Savior who cares and intercedes for me. 

In the pain, there’s bigger truth I can be anchored to as I work through the feelings that are coming alive and out of numbness. God cares about my heart in this. The hurt won’t always be there, but it’s okay that it is today. It’s okay to let myself feel it, and it’s okay to then get passed it and onto a new hope that will be birthed out of new mercies with each dawn. 

We are each finding our way through words towards new wholeness. A friend pointed out the beautiful irony in that given how much words have been the challenge. I’ll take the irony with the joy that is coming with it. Words will always mean so much more to me now, and I tuck the ones spoken in our home away in my heart and feel it begin to mend. 

Words: Part Two

Tags

Developmental delay, expressive language delay, special education, speech pathology, speech therapy

Ethan is adventure personified. He is funny. He is deliberate and decisive. He is silly. He is so smart. He is so many things that make my heart burst. Where I left off on my last post, I take back up now to tell the story of this incredible kid I could not be more proud of. 

Since Lauren had been diagnosed with a language delay, we were more aware of what was going on with Ethan much quicker than we were with Lauren. Shaking some of our rookie newness off, it was clear to us by Ethan’s second birthday that he was behind on speech related developmental milestones so we talked with our pediatrician again. If you don’t have a pediatrician you love, go find one. I can testify to the importance of having a pediatrician who loves your kids enough to go above and beyond to help them. You need someone who wants to partner with you in doing what is best for your kids, but also someone who deeply cares about them. I could never thank Dr. White enough for being an advocate and partner in their successes. 

We talked to her about Ethan’s lack of speech. One thing she said was that him having constant ear infections and fluid were probably a big part of his delay because those things keep you from hearing well, and you can’t acquire language if you can’t clearly hear what’s being said around you. That makes perfect sense. She told us about Infant Toddler Services (ITS), and recommended them as a resource to get a speech therapist to come to our home to work with Ethan. She gave us the information and ITS gave us Amy. Amy is…

I can’t begin to think of adequate words. She cares so deeply about our babies. She is all in. She helps me learn how to help Ethan. She wants to see Ethan develop and succeed. She is for him and his wins. Since she started helping us, Ethan had started and continued to make huge developmental gains. Every day he says new words. 

I can’t stress what is was like to wait for him to able to ask for a drink. I can’t express what it meant hearing him say “I love you” for the first time. He has had to work so hard at those things. He is incredible, and I am so proud. 

As he approaches turning three he will “age out” of ITS services and will transition into a preschool classroom just like Lauren did. I’m incredibly thankful for the opportunity for him to be a part of the same preschool program Lauren took part in. He will have an amazing team, and he will have his own story to tell. I know one day he’ll be able to tell it because of the people that are in his life now and who will be soon. 

This year we started gymnastics again at Lauren’s request. I won’t pretend that there wasn’t a deep sense of fear underneath my excitement about her wanting to try something new. This year has been incredible for her in this and every area. She now can understand not just that something is going on around her but that there are things being communicated to her that she can process and communicate back. This is huge. This is where life has changed for us.

There are parents who get annoyed by their child’s talking all the time or going on and on about the same things. To them I would say, soak up every word because you have no idea what a blessing each one is in the place of uncommunicated needs and wants where silence lingers. 

We watch Ethan gain new words and now multiple word phrases each day. He is such a formidable opponent to the challenge that he’s been given at two and a half that seeing him conquer whatever lies ahead is going to be great to watch. 

Today we are in such a different place than we were two years ago or one year ago or one day ago. It hasn’t been easy getting here, and there is more work ahead. We are so committed to doing whatever it takes that I know my babies will continue to grow and thrive. 

Next post I’ll talk about the battleground of my own heart in this.