“There’s something we need to talk about with you…”

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Anxiety, autism, Christian Women, Developmental delay, expressive language delay, Family, Friendship, grace, high functioning autism, identity in Christ, motherhood, parenthood, Parenting, raising children, siblings, siblings with autism, special education, speech pathology, speech therapy, unconditional love

That’s how the conversation started. We’ve been talking about the need to have it more and more. We had to sit our 7 year old down and explain to her that her little brother has autism.

The biggest catalyst for this day was Ethan getting upset in the truck. He hit Lauren. That’s not a normal response for him. He can be upset to the point of meltdown, but he hasn’t ever hit one of his siblings.

He’s gotten so much better at self-soothing. He calms easier now that he ever has. On Mother’s Day we went out for lunch. Joshua reached over after we sat down to eat and pulled Ethan’s hair. That caused him to jerk and bang his head on the table. He covered his face and quietly sobbed. It hurt, and we knew it.

We both looked at each other in a second conveying that Rob was sorry if lunch was over, and that if it was, I would be okay. That didn’t happen though. We offered to take him outside, but he said no. He stayed in his chair and took deep breaths. He was fine. He did it, and we were so proud.

We were not proud of him hitting his sister. She had hurt feelings. We stopped at home so Rob could stay with Ethan so he could have time out in his room along with giving him space to calm down. I took Lauren and Joshua to Costco. That’s not a big deal for us. We have to make adjustments moment by moment sometimes. This conversation was the overflow of that constantly having to adapt.

First we asked Lauren what she thought about Ethan. She said, “He’s the coolest!” We both smiled. We could see in her smile that she loved her brother. We talked about all the things that make Ethan cool- his kindness, his love for play and laughter, how smart he is, how passionate he is…

The list went on and on. We talked about the things that are hard for Ethan. We explained why Ethan has a hard time calming down or why he gets so upset that he screams in his room for a long time. We told her that his brain works differently than hers. We told her how differences are cool, and Ethan’s differences make him unique and cool.

We told her that we are getting him therapies like speech that will help him express how he’s feeling so we can help him. We told her about how his classroom at school is set up to help him learn the way his brain works.

We talked about how different isn’t bad and that we can never treat Ethan that way but that other people might. I asked her if it would be okay for other kids to leave Ethan out or pick on him or call him names because he has autism. She reared up in the most defensive posture I’ve ever seen her in and said, “No!”

We talked about the importance of embracing people no matter how different they are from us. We talked about that being possible with every person because we all have our own challenges, but that doesn’t mean we can’t love everyone we meet.

We told her Ethan would always need her to love him and accept him with understanding and patience. She assured us she would always be there for him!

Lauren’s response isn’t surprising to me, but it’s something I’ll hold dear forever. I’m so proud of the person she’s becoming. I’m so proud of the way she fiercely loves her brothers.

We will all get where we are headed, one step at a time- remembering what it means to love one another unconditionally. I’m so thankful for our family.

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Mad at Autism

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Anxiety, autism, Christian Women, Developmental delay, expressive language delay, grace, high functioning autism, letting go, motherhood, parenthood, Parenting, Women

Some days I get really mad at autism. Some days I see my son struggle under the weight of not being able to process, and it crushes him- which crushes me. Some days I’m less patient than I want to be with the meltdowns, and that makes me mad at myself.

I know I’m only human. I know I won’t do it right all the time. I don’t fancy myself a super hero who is impervious to frustration. I am not.

In the last few weeks Ethan has had more hard days than good. He’s been battling a double ear infection, and out of that, he’s had a hard time. Because of his verbal delay, he can’t always tell us when something is wrong. It usually has to get bad before he tells us something hurts. We have to always be extra mindful and pay close attention to him. I long for the day that he can just say, “My tummy hurts.”

That makes me mad at autism. It makes me mad that the pain has to get so bad before he can make the connection and verbalize it. It makes me so mad that his meltdowns are becoming more aggressive.

I recently started doing CrossFit for this very reason. He’s almost 5, and he’s already a giant and is incredibly strong. I need to make my body stronger so that as he grows, I can help him manage those feeling and help him physically when he needs to be comforted and kept from harm.

Sunday was a bad day. We couldn’t get out of the house to go to church. We couldn’t get out of the house to go to the Autism Walk. It was paralyzing and exhausting.

He’s getting so much better at calming himself down. He’s rebounding quicker, and I’m glad to report that we are finally at the top of the list for ABA therapy. I can’t wait to see where this takes us.

Some days I just get so mad at autism, and it helps to let myself feel that. If I can see it, I can know how to deal with all that comes with it. It also helps me still see Ethan in the hardest moments. I see him and see him struggle, and it breaks my heart. I see the little boy who loves to play and sing and cuddle even when he’s so overstimulated he can only scream. I can still see him and work to get him back to who he is.

Be mad at the behaviors. Be mad at the struggle. That’s okay. Just don’t forget to see your child and yourself. Don’t forget to give yourself grace as you put on foot in front of the other on a path that won’t be exactly like the one anyone else has taken. Your child deserves that, and so do you.

Beautiful Daughters

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beauty, Christian, Christian Women, daughters, gender, gender roles, identity in Christ, motherhood, parenthood, Parenting, protecting children, sons, trusting God, Women

My daughter is stunning. She is sunshine personified. She is kind and brave. She is incredibly resilient and strong. She is wise and so incredibly smart. She is the best person I know, and she’s only seven.

At first glance the world will notice how beautiful she is. That’s right on the surface. There’s no work required to see that. There’s no digging into the depths of who she is to see that.

The world and most people in it will probably assume too much to soon about her. That’s what it’s always done to us. Women. We have always been put on display. We’ve always been counted out before we could step into the ring.

Boxed in. Trained to be quiet. Trained to just deal and go on. NOT MY DAUGHTER!

I don’t teach my daughter to be thin. I don’t talk to her about diets. I talk to her about making her body strong and healthy.

I don’t talk to her about fitting in. I talk to her about being herself. I never will encourage her to trade away what is precious about her for acceptance.

God didn’t make her for high school or popularity. He made her for His glory.

In a world filled with little girls who have been abandoned, it’s hard to relate to the idea of God the Father. We hurt because of those letdowns and deep wounds.

We cross our legs, wait to be asked to dance, and grit our teeth holding back our true selves.

Not my daughter. That will not be her life. She’ll know who she is should be celebrated. She’ll have a world full of room for possibilities and dreams. So will my sons, and they will be raised to make room for everyone around them to thrive. They will know there’s enough sunshine for all of us.

I will give that to myself. I will be the example of chasing down my dreams so they know they can too. They’ll know that gender should never determine opportunities. They’ll look beyond the surface. They won’t be trophies and they won’t look for them either.

I want their idea of what is beautiful to be what makes people uniquely and genuinely themselves. I want them to see that for themselves so conforming to any other expectation or standard of beauty isn’t what they reach for or want. They are effortlessly beautiful in who they are.

Not my sons. Not my beautiful daughter.

https://youtu.be/KiioYp28c7QThe Daughters, Little Big Town

Autism Mom

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autism, autism awareness, autism parenting, Developmental delay, expressive language delay, high functioning autism, Language delay, love, motherhood, parenthood, Parenting, raising children, special education, unconditional love, Women

I started the day with the idea that I wanted to write a post this morning. I had an idea, but it got lost somewhere in the shuffle of the day.

Today has included a real meltdown.

It was time to come in for dinner, and Ethan fell apart. Screaming as high and loud as he could. Somehow he willed all his bones to disappear. He grabbed and pushed begging to go to his room.

That’s his safe place. That’s the place he goes to calm down- usually after stripping off his clothes. He was screaming and crying. I went to his room to make his bed.

He’s four, but he still sleeps in a pull-up. He stays dry most nights, but last night he soaked through his pull-up and pjs. He was screaming at his door while he was supposed to be going potty. He had to calm down enough to be able to go to his room.

I made his bed, put on his new dinosaur pjs, and he calmed. He asked to go eat more. I was so proud of him. That was a terrible meltdown, but he eventually self-regulated. In the middle of that chaos, it feels like it will never end. It ends.

It ends sooner and sooner all the time, and I see the progress. I feel overwhelmed in those moments, but I mostly feel heartbroken. It’s crushing to see everything hit him so hard and fast that he can’t adjust. It makes me sad, but it also makes me remember who we are all becoming.

I have not always been patient. I have not always been flexible. I’m actually very structured and rigid in nature. That person could never have been an autism mom. Having a child on spectrum has required me to rise up and become who he needs. He needs someone who can be firm, but can also really see him in the hard moments.

I have to see Ethan, not the behaviors. I have to recognize the overload he is feeling and responding to. I have to be his calm in the storm. That’s who he needs, and that’s what I fight for every day. I do better some days than others, but I’ll never give up the fight.

Moments come that remind me we are moving in the right direction all the time. Last night while I was tucking him in I said, “Ethan, momma loves you all the time.” He said, “No matter what.” That is usually what I say to him, but hearing him echo an understanding I’ve hoped he would have made my heart stop. In that moment, I knew he knew that I’d love him all the time. On the easiest days, I love him no matter what. On the hardest days, I love him no matter what.

There are legions of autism moms around the globe, and I want you to see us. I want you to see us when we are in the grocery store during a meltdown. I want you to understand why we can’t be inside while you sing Happy Birthday at a party. I want you to know that when the switch flips, we are powerless. I want you to see the hurt in us as our child struggles. I want you to see their humanity and ours.

We are trying to be who they need. We are trying to lead them into the world, and we’ll get there with a lighter load if all you give us is kindness and understanding.

Please don’t pretend we aren’t there or be disgusted with behavior you “would never allow.” Please understand that in the battle to make progress day in and day out, just braving the grocery store may be a win for us.

I hope that this post gives you new insights into what days and moments are like outside your home. If these moments and heart aches are ones you know, I want you to know you are seen and never alone.

I wore this blue shirt in honor of my Ethan on Autism Awareness Day. I couldn’t have picked a better one. Today I hope and pray for a world full of kind humans for all of us.

Be that for someone. We all need more and more kind humans in our lives and everywhere we go.

Christ Over Politics

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Christian, Christian Values, conservative politics, God's grace, God's love, God's truth, hope in Christ, identity in Christ, idols, Kingdom Service, politics, sonship, the gospel, unconditional love

I’m sure this is going to be offensive to some. If you find offense first, I hope you would consider that the words here are spoken in love. I know where I live. I know I’m in the conservative Bible Belt, but I can’t not say this anymore…

BEING CHRISTIAN AND REPUBLICAN AREN’T SYNONYMS!

Okay, now that I’ve said it, I have more to say about it.

It’s absolutely heart breaking to see people I’ve long loved and respected pretend or turn a blind eye or try to explain away horrible things that are happening in the world so they can remain loyal republicans. If you have to do that in order to defend what is atrocious, you should consider who you are called to be first and what is most important. If you can excuse literally anything in the name of party loyalty, then your sense of politics or patriotism, if you can call it that, are an idol.

What is actually true? What lengths do you have to go through to try to justify things that are being said and done? Who are you having to hate in order to remain loyal? Whose humanity are you having to forget in order to hold your party line? It doesn’t matter to me how you vote. If you’re having to do any of these things to have party loyalty, IT IS WRONG!

I know that every side of politics have major issues today. I’m not blind to that. I’m not just blaming one side, but the fact that I won’t support everything the republican administration or party allows and stands for does not mean that I don’t love Jesus. I’m tired of that being the undertone of so many things I hear and see.

I’m so tired of reading posts about how loving God means being “conservative.” I see posts about heaven’s gates being justification for walls. In truth, God sent His Son so that none should perish. It is by His stripes that we have access to knowing Him forever. It was through the graciousness of a God who loves the world that He made a way into His presence, for all the nations. No one deserves to be with Him forever, and we couldn’t have earned that. He desires that all would draw near to Him. He opened up a way for us to know His love at the greatest cost to Himself. Yet people will take and malign that truth to make a sorted and heinous comparison to what it means to serve a God that made a way and place for you that was undeserved.

To quote my husband, “The immigration policy of heaven is grace at the pleasure of the King who desires all to come in. No moral uprightness, opinion, rule or law following qualifies or earns your place inside the Kingdom. As citizens, it is our God given mission to invite others to be with us where our Father is. Any looking down our nose at those outside are indications of the sinful pride, entitlement, and selfishness in our hearts and says nothing of those outside. This analogy is the opposite of the Gospel and indicative of the culture that says we for some reason deserve the membership we have and ignores that we are equally deserving of hell as every other human soul. And only by the pleasure of a gracious King have we a hope of entrance through the gate. This analogy should encourage us to welcome others so that they may hear rather than dissuade them. Forget American borders for a minute. A dying world needs the Gospel. And if your patriotism prevents you from weeping over the plight of the hungry and oppressed then your patriotism is an idol.”

Either all life is precious or none is. Either we lay down our lives for others, or we don’t. Don’t pretend it can work both ways. We can’t have truths that we conveniently forget about in order to believe something that pushes back against them.

If we give up the truths of God to believe anything more than them, we don’t really love Him most. Again, check what is most important. For Christians, it should not be politics.

I think the fact that I love Him so much that I can see the wrong and step back and say, “No! This is not okay!” is a bigger testament of honoring Him first. How? How can I be expected to be okay with the things that are happening and being said in the world just so that I can participate and support something that isn’t eternal and shouldn’t be my moral compass?

When it comes right down to it, I can see where politicians go for those “hot-button” issues that are supposed to matter at the heart of what we believe so they can get elected. Once in office, they don’t take the lead on any kind of legislation or policy changes or fight to end them. For me, those things that stir people up and make them feel obligated to vote one way or the other have just become talking points and a means to get votes since they are not actively fighting to change them once elected.

If I have to choose between politics and holding fast to what I believe to be true, I will hold what means everything to me in the highest place. I will love others no matter how they vote. I will love them no matter where they are born. I will love them no matter what we disagree on. I will love them enough to have every hope that they can share in the opportunities I have known. I will love them and stand for what I know is right- not what it takes to be a good, Christian republican.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:34-35

“By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s good and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.” 1 John 3:16-18

God Didn’t Make You

Tags

affirmation, Christian Women, God's grace, God's love, God's truth, hope in Christ, identity, identity in Christ, purpose, sonship, the gospel, trusting God, unconditional love, Women

God didn’t make you for misery.

God didn’t make you without means to a voice.

God didn’t make you for the pursuit of status and stuff.

God didn’t make you so that you would try to earn acceptance and love.

God didn’t make you to exchange who you are for popularity.

God didn’t make you so that you would want anything more than Him.

God didn’t make you to be like everyone else.

God didn’t make you to display your own glory.

God didn’t make you for this world.

God made you for joy found only in Him.

God made you for impact; be a force for good.

God made you to trust in His sufficiency, not worldly comfort.

God made you to know unconditional love and acceptance through the cross of His Son.

God made you to be accepted in His love, not by worldly standards.

God made you to be uniquely and securely you.

God made you to know Him and enjoy Him eternally.

God made you in His time and His purpose to be exactly what the world and His kingdom needed.

God made you to display His splendor and love to a world that desperately needs to see it.

God made you for an eternal home with Him. This world will never be that.

No matter what the world says, remember who you were made to be. Hold fast to truths even when everything and everyone tries to drown them out.

The Strength To Let Got

Tags

Christian Women, letting go, strength, the gospel, trusting God

It’s hard to know when you don’t need to be strong when that’s been your only option. Either through circumstances beyond you control or through the consequences of your own choices, it somehow becomes ingrained in the fabric of your very person that you have to always be strong. Always be a contender. Always fight for everything you want. Work. Earn it.

That message on repeat can be a driving force toward ambition, but it shouts louder than words you need to hear. It pushes back against words like these: mercy, grace, faithfulness, and hope.

In this cycle mistakes can undo all the work you’ve done. There is no forgiveness for yourself or others. You begin to only count on yourself- never fully trusting that you can count on anyone else. The only thing to hope in is your best effort, which is flawed.

Anything that feels like not controlling all of those things shows weakness. Remember, you can never show weakness. Your worth is completely and inseparably tied to your success and accomplishments, and those things come by way of your strength.

In this, the idea that you could be loved, unconditionally, as you are, is a laughable. In this, the idea that all that you can do will never satisfy you is unthinkable. In this, acknowledging there could strength for your weakness makes no sense. Considering that there is healing and a desire to make you whole just because you are loved…

Thinking that you are not worthy, but you are accepted is completely counterintuitive. The gospel speaks those truths, and in those truths there is freedom to let go. There is freedom to simply be. No earning. No holding on.

There is strength found in letting go.

In letting go, you grab onto what is truly sustaining and life giving. You find a voice that speaks love over you. You find a strength that is steadfast and true. Unshakable. In this, you learning that being still and being known feel like breathing for the first time.

I was reminded of all these things and where I started in my walk with Christ while listening to Switchfoot’s new album. It’s so so good, and “The Strength To Let Go” held up a mirror that reminded me so of these truths when I needed to hear them. It reminded me to let go and just be.

I can’t help but think that someone else out there needs that reminder too. I pray you find the strength to let go where you need to!

Belonging

Tags

advocating, autism, belonging, Family, gymnastics, high functioning autism, motherhood, parenthood, Parenting, special education, TEGA

It’s an unbearable thing to watch your child be left out. It’s something I went through many times in my life, but the pain in this is different. I have always wanted to protect my children from so many of the hurts I knew. Parenthood has taught me that though that is not always possible, those hurts don’t have to be the end. At the beginning of exclusion, I have to become their advocate.

Both the kids went to the same gymnastics place last year. They both did really well. By summer, Lauren wanted to try ballet, and Ethan was out of a place. He had stayed in the parent-tot class to have support, and he had done really well with that. He was getting to be great at the skills involved so the staff wanted to move him along.

That sounds great, but moving him along to the next level of classes also meant he would receive no additional support in class. Even though he’s getting better at the skills we knew that would be setting him up to fail. Having high functioning autism means that, skills aside, a fast-paced unsupported environment would not be to his benefit. We were told they would think about what could be done.

We called at the beginning of the semester. Still no solution found. We waited. I called a few other places, but they didn’t really sound very welcoming to the idea of having a child with autism in class. I emailed in November with the highest hopes that they’d actually been trying to find him a place and received this response:

“Thank you for reaching out to us.  We will look at our current classes and number of helpers and see what might work and have him be successful. I hope your kids have had a great start to their year.”

This response said all the upfront promises were a lie. This response confirmed to me that they were not going to try to find a place for my son. I haven’t heard from them again.

We were going to find a place for him elsewhere. We were going to find a place for him where he was welcome and loved and wanted. We did just that!

I called and talked to the staff at TEGA. They were immediately reassuring that he was welcome and that we could come try out as many classes as it took to find him a place. The first day the class he was in was not going to work out, and I was immediately scared that this would be another let down for him.

Ethan loves gymnastics! He’s great at it, and he has so much fun doing it. Watching him and seeing the joy on his face is something so special. I was afraid we’d opened the door to trying and that this would just be taken from him. That didn’t happen.

They assigned a person to him and let him free play while we looked at scheduling and figured out next steps. The whole time they assured us they would do whatever it took to find him a place. He was having a ball, and I was crying tears of gratitude at the desk with one of the staff who couldn’t believe that anyone could just turn him away. She was so upset and cried with me as I told them that though it seemed like no big deal to them, it was the biggest deal to us. It was what we had waited and hoped for.

I won’t forget that day or all the great days he’s had at TEGA since. It’s a beautiful thing to see your child in their element doing what they love. It’s a beautiful thing to see so much kindness extended to them because there are places filled with people who will make sure they belong.

That’s what every parent needs: to have partners in advocating for their children. We have found that. We have found the place Ethan belongs. It’s a more solid place filled with smiles that welcome him.

It’s an answer to so many prayers, and it’s exactly where he will be loved and where he will thrive.

Surgery

Tags

Christmas, Fear, Friendship, Healing, love, marriage, motherhood, Parenting, prayer, self care, sickness, stress, surgery, trusting God, unconditional love

Well, it’s been no secret that we’ve been on the health struggle bus since we moved here. I’ve spent a lot more time worried about my husband and babies than myself, but that finally caught up with me. After my 10th positive strep test this year and many weeks of waiting, I finally got into an ENT.

He dug around and found necrotic tissue in my tonsils. Not good. He found swelling that was very bad. Before the exam he asked if I had bigger concerns about the sinus stuff or my tonsils. After the exam he asked me when I’d like to get them out. Essentially our discussion of options became option-less. “This is what we have to do!” became the tone of the conversation.

He was kind and patient when answering my questions. He’s hopeful that removing my festering tonsils will help that sinus pressure/infections and other problems. We finished our visit, and I was sent right to the scheduler. My surgery is scheduled for next month.

What does this mean? 10-14 days in bed where I will be able to do little other than pain management work and getting as much sleep as I can. What does this mean for my family?

1. I’m thankful that Rob’s workplace is filled with people who care about each person in my family. He will be able to work and help take care of all of us. I can’t express what that means or how thankful I am that we made the move for him to work with such incredible people. I’m working on a big article for a magazine so my timeline just got pushed way up. I am so thankful my boss is working with me on this. We now have editing scheduled during my recovery.

2. I was supposed to help host our gospel community next month, but now I can’t. If you know how much I love to host, you know I was really so upset to have to share that news. The second I told everyone, people began pulling out their phones and making a meal train, and putting MY surgery on THEIR calendars. We have longed for this ability to connect with the body for so long. I’m beyond grateful for that moment.

3. One of my best friends offered to figure out flying in or out of here if she could make it work without me even asking. My sister immediately volunteered to come stay the weekends to give Rob a break and help. My parents volunteered to come for the surgery day and for a few days to help Rob. A sweet friend even volunteered to just come watch TV with me so I wouldn’t be alone. More friends promised to step in and do whatever we needed- all because they love us.

4. Now a not so pleasant one: I have to stop breastfeeding. I never thought I’d do that longer than a year, but things have been so easy this go ’round, and Joshua has been so committed. Seriously, he loves to breastfeed still. I thought I was so ready to be done, but I already see how it’s frustrating him. I know my body can’t be responsible for such work post surgery, but this one has been tough on my heart.

This is surely going to be trying for all of us. If you think about our family next month, please pray that this procedure goes well, brings healing and restored health, and that the recovery is light on everyone. I hope my babies understand why I can’t be with them. I hope they get along and have so much fun with their daddy. I have every reason to hope this will all go well.

My mind is stressed trying to get all the ducks in a row- one more birthday party, getting Christmas decorations up, getting shopping squared away, and trying to prep as much as I can. I’m a planner. I like to know what’s in front of me. This is surely messing up an already busy time of year, but I’m trying, really trying, to set us up for this to go as well as possible all while remembering to breathe.

As my brain works triple overtime, pray for peace for all of us on the road to surgery and after. It’s going to be hard, but as I am learning, trusting God with my eternity means trusting Him with all of our today’s. For surgery day and after, I am choosing to set my mind and heart in trusting Him to care for all of us. He’s already showing up.

Perspective

Tags

blinders, child cancer, health, motherhood, Parenting, perspective, prayer, sickness, trusting God

This last 12+ months have been hard on our family. With a tonsillectomy after endless strep, the flu, viruses, ear infections, and on and on, there has just seemed to be no end in sight.

That’s been hard. That’s been overwhelming. In some ways that has put blinders on me which blocked my peripheral. In that, I couldn’t see something huge.

Lauren was talking to me about her friend Jack at school. She’s told me some things about playing with him before. Today she told me Jack used to travel all the time. I asked why. She said, “Jack is a child cancer survivor. He travelled to Disney World, and to see doctors. He’s better now. His hair is growing back.” I couldn’t even think what to say for a second. I asks if she was sure he is better now. She said he was. She said, “Yes, he’s a survivor.”

If that wasn’t enough, a dear friend posted something to the effect of trusting God with her eternity, but not trusting Him with her now. I felt that one. I felt that one deep. God was gracious enough to make sure I wasn’t missing what He was saying to me through this post.

It is wearing to feel like your constantly running to the doctor, scrubbing and Lysoling, in line at the pharmacy, diffusing oils, measuring medicine, and trying to keep everyone well. I have felt that for a long time. It’s real, but this is too:

Inside my blinders I forgot to be thankful that what my kids have needed to be well was just a trip to the pharmacy away.

All they’ve had has been completely treatable. Even with having to go through surgery, the recovery went incredibly well. Even in this long, hard season, I should be so thankful for the positive things that have come, even in the sickness. I should be filled with gratitude for how we’ve had the access and means to care for our family completely. I will be thankful for those things.

I hear you Lord. I will be so much more intentional about trusting Him in each now, as they come.