Open Letter from a SPED Parent

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autism, Christian Values, courage, exceptionalities, Fear, God's love, high functioning autism, hope in Christ, motherhood, parenthood, Parenting, protecting children, raising children, Serving, special education, special education parenting, sped teachers, trusting God, unconditional love

I am the parent who buys extra Kleenex. I’m the parent who will bring you whatever you need for your classroom. I will show up for parties and field trips.

I’m the parent who stresses and prays all summer for a teacher who has the heart to take the time to see my children for who they are and who will give them a chance. I hope that for every child around them too.

I hope you realize that I am so nervous to entrust them to you. I hope that you realize that I have lost sleep over the idea that because I have a child on spectrum, you may not want him in your class.

This is not true of the teachers I am friends with and for that, I am thankful, but I know these people are out there. These people will never look at Ethan and see his potential; they will only see someone burdensome to deal with.

To the teachers who love kids no matter their challenges and struggles, thank you. Thank you for creating a safe, loving environment where my child can be seen and loved and included. Thank you for wanting them to flourish and grow. Thank you for showing up for him. Thank you for adoring him on the hardest of days. Thank you for showing them the very heart of God by loving them unconditionally.

For those who would try strip any part of his personhood away from him, GO DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH YOURSELF. You do not deserve the honor of knowing him, and you certainly should not have other children entrusted to you. To these people, I hope I never have to know you, but if you ever try to harm my child through your disdain of his presence, you will not succeed.

If you can see a person with an exceptionality in any situation and hate their very existence to the point that you would be disgusted by having to interact with them, you are the worst kind of person and your heart is filled with the kind of hate that makes this world a scary place for my son and for me.

If you are the parent who wonders and hopes that your child will be loved, you are not alone. If you are the parent who ever faces this teacher, stand up for your child, and do not give them an inch of room to degrade your child.

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Ruined

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anger, Anxiety, Christian, Christian Women, desperation, Family, Fear, God's love, grief, identity in Christ, justice, love, prayer, sadness, sorrow, trusting God, unconditional love

The last few months have been hard. That word isn’t adequate. I have been slain. Things have been broken and torn that will never repair. Yet…

In this suffering I am reminded of how much this world is not my home. In this suffering my heart has known tremendous grief. In celebrating the ending of the life of someone so beloved by me, I grieved. In her life, she was always for me. She always loved me and advocated for me. In that, the pain of loss has been great, but yet, I could still celebrate her reception into the presence of her greatest Love.

That my mind can celebrate. That my heart can find relief in. The assurance of knowing that I will rejoice with her again is a balm for my soul.

There is one I can not reconcile. There is one who I feel is so lost to me. There is one I’m grieving while there is still life in their body. There is one wound I do not know what can mend.

To know you love someone so deeply who you may never see again, ever, is heavy. It is excruciating. It hurts without there ever being a promise of any kind of relief.

Everything hurts for what all has been ruined. All the lives. All the pain. All the suffering.

Yet God in the midst has reminded me that breath in lungs mean that the story isn’t over. It is not over. His heart is still for them. There is room at the cross for them. The mantle given to me has been prayer. I am praying so much I can not sleep.

Though I am tired and slain and my heart is ruined, I know that in this suffering God is good. He is merciful. He endured a scourging and a separation I will never know. The cross broke Him and showed that God’s heart is about justice. Justice is not circumstantial, and our ideas of what that means can not give way- no matter the situation. Our hearts are made to seek justice all while remembering grace. There is grace. If there was grace for my sin that killed Jesus, there is grace for anyone else.

That is what haunts me and make me pray, but I want my own anger that feels so justified. As I pray and God rips my heart apart over my disobedience, I am moved to love.

I can not help but love all those involved, but more than that, I love my God in this suffering. He suffered worse. He knows the grief in my heart because I truly believe it is in His heart too.

So today, where it all feels ruined, He is doing something with what we ruin. When there is only grief, He has a dawn assured to bring new mercies that can wash it all clean. In these hours, I will trust in the Lord to be everything all of us need- sanctifying, healer, and redeemer.

All is not lost, God is on the move.

A Country of Dreamers

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democracy, dreamers, freedom, global citizenship, global freedom, gratitude, hope, Independence Day, oppression

Long ago, before our country was the pinnacle of democracy, it was an experiment undertaken by people who said, “No more!” They were oppressed, and fed up with the treatment from their government and decided it was time to rebel and move forward in a different direction. Pen in hand, they crafted something that shook and changed the world.

I do not think everything each one did individually was always right or good, but because their courage to look forward, I have never known the oppression they faced; I have never known the oppression many have faced because they stared down those in power and control with the shout of, “No more!” The rebellion we celebrate today, the Civil Rights Movement, and the right for women to vote shape my reality in ways many who went before me dreamed of. We have always been a country of dreamers.

I think we forget what democracy costs. I think we forget that America was born out of costly rebellion which means freedom for us today. We can’t imagine a place where we don’t have a voice. We can’t imagine a place where things aren’t designed to protect us. We were born into something that began long before us, and my hope is that it continues long after us. We can’t take it for granted by not realizing how unique and special that democracy is. We can’t forget that it matters more than affiliations.

We are the pinnacle that the world has looked to historically. The place where people can participate in their government and buck their government by protesting policies or voting in new leaders. This idea is bigger than just us. It’s hope in a world where those things aren’t possible without consequences you will never face. They are so horrendous, we can’t fathom a government enacting them.

Remember what a blessing that is. Don’t hoard it. Hope to give it away so it can grow and never stop being our right or the hope for global communities who are oppressed, exploited, and murdered by their government every single day. Don’t forget that their not being born here should not eliminate the preciousness of their life. Either all life is precious or none is. Celebrate your freedom today by hoping it for others.

Christ Over Politics

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Christian, Christian Values, conservative politics, God's grace, God's love, God's truth, hope in Christ, identity in Christ, idols, Kingdom Service, politics, sonship, the gospel, unconditional love

I’m sure this is going to be offensive to some. If you find offense first, I hope you would consider that the words here are spoken in love. I know where I live. I know I’m in the conservative Bible Belt, but I can’t not say this anymore…

BEING CHRISTIAN AND REPUBLICAN AREN’T SYNONYMS!

Okay, now that I’ve said it, I have more to say about it.

It’s absolutely heart breaking to see people I’ve long loved and respected pretend or turn a blind eye or try to explain away horrible things that are happening in the world so they can remain loyal republicans. If you have to do that in order to defend what is atrocious, you should consider who you are called to be first and what is most important. If you can excuse literally anything in the name of party loyalty, then your sense of politics or patriotism, if you can call it that, are an idol.

What is actually true? What lengths do you have to go through to try to justify things that are being said and done? Who are you having to hate in order to remain loyal? Whose humanity are you having to forget in order to hold your party line? It doesn’t matter to me how you vote. If you’re having to do any of these things to have party loyalty, IT IS WRONG!

I know that every side of politics have major issues today. I’m not blind to that. I’m not just blaming one side, but the fact that I won’t support everything the republican administration or party allows and stands for does not mean that I don’t love Jesus. I’m tired of that being the undertone of so many things I hear and see.

I’m so tired of reading posts about how loving God means being “conservative.” I see posts about heaven’s gates being justification for walls. In truth, God sent His Son so that none should perish. It is by His stripes that we have access to knowing Him forever. It was through the graciousness of a God who loves the world that He made a way into His presence, for all the nations. No one deserves to be with Him forever, and we couldn’t have earned that. He desires that all would draw near to Him. He opened up a way for us to know His love at the greatest cost to Himself. Yet people will take and malign that truth to make a sorted and heinous comparison to what it means to serve a God that made a way and place for you that was undeserved.

To quote my husband, “The immigration policy of heaven is grace at the pleasure of the King who desires all to come in. No moral uprightness, opinion, rule or law following qualifies or earns your place inside the Kingdom. As citizens, it is our God given mission to invite others to be with us where our Father is. Any looking down our nose at those outside are indications of the sinful pride, entitlement, and selfishness in our hearts and says nothing of those outside. This analogy is the opposite of the Gospel and indicative of the culture that says we for some reason deserve the membership we have and ignores that we are equally deserving of hell as every other human soul. And only by the pleasure of a gracious King have we a hope of entrance through the gate. This analogy should encourage us to welcome others so that they may hear rather than dissuade them. Forget American borders for a minute. A dying world needs the Gospel. And if your patriotism prevents you from weeping over the plight of the hungry and oppressed then your patriotism is an idol.”

Either all life is precious or none is. Either we lay down our lives for others, or we don’t. Don’t pretend it can work both ways. We can’t have truths that we conveniently forget about in order to believe something that pushes back against them.

If we give up the truths of God to believe anything more than them, we don’t really love Him most. Again, check what is most important. For Christians, it should not be politics.

I think the fact that I love Him so much that I can see the wrong and step back and say, “No! This is not okay!” is a bigger testament of honoring Him first. How? How can I be expected to be okay with the things that are happening and being said in the world just so that I can participate and support something that isn’t eternal and shouldn’t be my moral compass?

When it comes right down to it, I can see where politicians go for those “hot-button” issues that are supposed to matter at the heart of what we believe so they can get elected. Once in office, they don’t take the lead on any kind of legislation or policy changes or fight to end them. For me, those things that stir people up and make them feel obligated to vote one way or the other have just become talking points and a means to get votes since they are not actively fighting to change them once elected.

If I have to choose between politics and holding fast to what I believe to be true, I will hold what means everything to me in the highest place. I will love others no matter how they vote. I will love them no matter where they are born. I will love them no matter what we disagree on. I will love them enough to have every hope that they can share in the opportunities I have known. I will love them and stand for what I know is right- not what it takes to be a good, Christian republican.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:34-35

“By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s good and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.” 1 John 3:16-18

The Strength To Let Got

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Christian Women, letting go, strength, the gospel, trusting God

It’s hard to know when you don’t need to be strong when that’s been your only option. Either through circumstances beyond you control or through the consequences of your own choices, it somehow becomes ingrained in the fabric of your very person that you have to always be strong. Always be a contender. Always fight for everything you want. Work. Earn it.

That message on repeat can be a driving force toward ambition, but it shouts louder than words you need to hear. It pushes back against words like these: mercy, grace, faithfulness, and hope.

In this cycle mistakes can undo all the work you’ve done. There is no forgiveness for yourself or others. You begin to only count on yourself- never fully trusting that you can count on anyone else. The only thing to hope in is your best effort, which is flawed.

Anything that feels like not controlling all of those things shows weakness. Remember, you can never show weakness. Your worth is completely and inseparably tied to your success and accomplishments, and those things come by way of your strength.

In this, the idea that you could be loved, unconditionally, as you are, is a laughable. In this, the idea that all that you can do will never satisfy you is unthinkable. In this, acknowledging there could strength for your weakness makes no sense. Considering that there is healing and a desire to make you whole just because you are loved…

Thinking that you are not worthy, but you are accepted is completely counterintuitive. The gospel speaks those truths, and in those truths there is freedom to let go. There is freedom to simply be. No earning. No holding on.

There is strength found in letting go.

In letting go, you grab onto what is truly sustaining and life giving. You find a voice that speaks love over you. You find a strength that is steadfast and true. Unshakable. In this, you learning that being still and being known feel like breathing for the first time.

I was reminded of all these things and where I started in my walk with Christ while listening to Switchfoot’s new album. It’s so so good, and “The Strength To Let Go” held up a mirror that reminded me so of these truths when I needed to hear them. It reminded me to let go and just be.

I can’t help but think that someone else out there needs that reminder too. I pray you find the strength to let go where you need to!

“Presentation”

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being an example, engaging family, Family, Friendship, imagination, Parenting, raising children, reaping fruit, role model

I am always in awe of my babies. I’m in awe of all they have accomplished and who they are becoming. They surprise me all the time, and one of the best ways they do is through their unique creativity.

Now that I’m also working outside our home, Lauren has a lot of questions about what I do. I recently gave presentation that I talked to Lauren about. It was last month, and to be honest, I haven’t thought about it again. I’ve been working on other things and a millions things at once.

Today Lauren came up to me and said, “Mom, I need your help to do a presentation.” I told her I would love to help her and asked why she wanted to do a presentation. She said, “I can do one like you!” Well, that warmed my heart and made me so proud. I was all in.

She designed a set, we made a storyboard, we practiced, and she gave her presentation which was really a fable/fairytale with a blend of characters from some of her favorite places which included The Good Wolf and a happy ending. It was INCREDIBLE!

She wanted to surprise her daddy and brothers, and she definitely did. She was a great storyteller and even wrote it down to keep. It was a wonderful tale of friends who banned together to solve their problems and have a party. She was positively precious and engaging and entertaining!

Everyday I’m so proud of this sweet girl, and today I’m reminded how every word counts. I’m reminded that in the things that slip my mind, there can be something important to my kids that spark interest and imagination in them. Today I’m challenged to always be mindful.

I can’t wait to see who she becomes! For today she’s a wonderful creative playwright, set designer, narrator, and the coolest big kid I know!

The Cross is Joy

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carrying your cross, joy in obedience, the cross

“You don’t get to choose your cross, but you do get to choose how you carry it.”

I woke up yesterday with this in my mind and heart. The second I opened my eyes, it was there. Anytime that happens, the first thing I do is go read scripture. In the battlefield of, “God told me” versus “The Bible says” in evangelical culture, the Bible says wins for me each time because if it’s not backed up by scripture, it wasn’t God telling you.

“And he said to all, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” – Luke 9:23-24

These were the verses that came to mind immediately. Jesus is talking here, and explaining what it means to follow Him. Here’s what connected what was in my mind to this verse immediately:

1. There is a part of myself I have to deny to follow Christ. That part is my flesh. Our impatience at times, our struggle to forgive when wronged, our unwillingness to see where we are Lord and Christ isn’t in our lives, and on and on is our flesh rearing it’s true depraved ugliness. There are so many ways we can be snared in this flesh, and all of them keep us from seeing that what God calls us to in all those places is for our good and His glory.
2. Taking up your cross daily. That’s where what was on my mind becomes important. Sometimes it feels like we expect things to go “right” and when things get hard, we feel wronged. “You don’t get to choose your cross…” what that means to me is that choosing Jesus means choosing your cross. They are one in the same. You cannot do one without the other. If you think that you are following Christ without taking up what it means to go after Him daily, you aren’t following Christ. God meant it to be hard so you couldn’t do it without Jesus. If you could have, there would have been no need for the cross of Christ.
3. To some degree people believe they can be a Christian without following Christ. How can you do one without the other here? Either you love Christ and go after Him or you don’t. There is no in between. Does that mean you won’t struggle in your pursuit of Him? No. What that means is not willfully choosing what He says is sin and calling yourself His child.

1. I don’t mean there should be a legalistic checklist for how you do life daily, but there should be a willingness to go after Him and carry the cross you were given to carry. Those hard things make a way for Him to be glorified in them. Those hard things feel like a struggle, but carrying that cross means looking up and seeing the cross that went before you. Jesus is the standard in all things, unto the point of death, He was humble and obedient, trusting God to be who He said He would be. Oh that I could be that all the time! Oh that this would be my default. Life would be so much easier sometimes if I set my mind and heart on carrying my cross knowing that Christ has gone before, the victory is won, and that there will come a day when the battle of my flesh will be over! There will come a day when eternity with Christ starts, and I hear, “Well done” because I kept my eyes on the cross that went before me.

The reason I think we forget this is because we want it to be easier than this. We want salvation and the person of Christ to give us ease today. We want that now so when struggles do come, we doubt God. When that cross gets heavy, we forget that we were promised that Christ was sufficient in all things. He didn’t die to give us nice homes, nice things, and an easy life without struggle. We are not owed ease; we are gifted with a secured hope through the cross of Christ.

Why is that important? We get too comfortable here. This world is not our home and everything about it screams for us to choose personal comfort and what feels good over our crosses. But God…

God loves us too much to leave us there. He loves us too much to give us cheap, fleeting happiness. He gives us everlasting joy through His Son. Through Him we can know joy here, and then an exponential amount in eternity. It may feel like you are saving yourself and giving yourself the best life of ease now to not picking up your cross, but the final parts of the verses I shared call for you to lose your life for His sake!

The life you are giving up apart from Christ may have seemed good, but the life you live following after Jesus, cross carried and all, will satisfy in a way that fills you with abounding love and peace and joy that the world cannot give. He is good and good to us. Following Him may not always be easy, but it is worth eternally knowing Him. You knowing Him cost Him a cross too because of His love for you.

We Are Daughters First

Tags

calling, identity, identity in Christ, mother's day, no therhood

I don’t know how many hours I have spent praying for my children. Those hours began long before they were born, and it is a mantle of prayer that will be one of my greatest joys all my days. I love my children, fiercely, with the deepest love. There isn’t a moment on any day that I will not choose to lay down my life for them. I love them, but in that I still have to remember that’s not my highest calling.

It’s hard to see isn’t it. It’s hard to see that we aren’t called to be mommas first. We aren’t called to be wives first. We are called first and foremost to be the daughters of God, and everything about how we love our families flows from that place. If we can see this, we will approach everything differently.

I am so guilty of taking my eyes off of this. I am so guilty of forgetting that I am chosen and loved so deeply that it is a joy to just sit with the Lord and read my Bible and pray. Being wife and momma are such huge, demanding callings, but God didn’t chiefly save me for them. He saved me for Himself that I might know and enjoy Him forever (mostly quoting John Piper here). Everything that comes in life after that moment of His choosing and my knowing God is affected by how I walk with Him.

There’s a reason for that. In the midst of ease or difficulty, I have to press into Him so that I may walk in the ministries He has given in me as someone who deeply loves the Lord the most. It is almost counterintuitive and definitely countercultural to live with your eyes fixed on Jesus and to remember to love Him most, but if we don’t we’ll lose who we are in Him and things will begin to win our affections more than Him.

I can say without a doubt the person that I was before the Lord was not patient enough for kids and all the crazy ups and downs of motherhood. Most often when I get impatient it’s because I’ve taken my eyes off of Him. When I stop looking at Him, I start being more like my flesh. He teaches me patience and every other fruit of the Spirit that sustains me and allows me to walk out these ministries with grace and a love like His. If I’m not looking to Him and clinging to Him with deepest affection, I will not do any of these things well. I will get frustrated and bogged down. I will feel defeated at times. He made me to know I need Him to do it His way, and the more I am satisfied in Him the more I experience joy in everything else.

Know that you are not just momma or wife. You are a daughter of a Father who loves and lifts you up. Know that you will be given many ministries and callings in your life, but none are more important than being near to the Lord that He might sustain and fill you. I do everything else better when I am pursuing the heart of God. I need Him in all things, at all times.

Today, celebrate the life God brought forth from you. Celebrate the ministry of motherhood. It is a beautiful day to remember what the Lord has done in making us mommas, but also never forget that you are still a daughter. Never forget who you are in Him is who you were always most meant to be.

Graduation Cap

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be the change, follow the call, God’s faithfulness, graduation, injustice, Kingdom Service, motherhood, world changer

When I began this journey at Graduate school, I knew it was a calling. I knew I would carry the name of Jesus with me everywhere I went on any campus I worked on when that day came.

What I didn’t see until the last few days was a reason why I’m studying what I’m studying is important; I did, but not in relationship to the current state of the world. I’m going receive degrees in Communication Studies and Conflict and Dispute Resolution. Have you watched the news lately? I can’t think of a better thing to be involved in than teaching people how to use their voices effectively and well along with teaching them to deal with conflict in healthy ways.

As I come to the end of my time as a student, I am incredibly grateful for this call that put me on this path on the way to making a difference in this world for the glory and renown of Christ.

On my graduation cap, I will paint the quote, “I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change…I am changing the things I cannot accept…” – Angela Davis

What would the world look like if we all did something about the things we couldn’t accept? Genocide. Human trafficking. Rape culture. Bullying. Corporations owning politicians. Injustice. Clean water for all. Racism. The list is much longer than this, and I don’t think that I am at the end of this journey; I am content to wait and pray and move when called.

What does that thing look like for you? What can you no longer accept? Get in the fight. Stop waiting for someone else to get it done. Get yourself up and get it done! Find your voice and use it. Nothing will ever be better or different unless we shout down and fight against what is unacceptable.

If you think it’ll be scary, you’re probably right. If you think it’ll be hard to do, it probably will be. Don’t let any of that stop you from chasing down that thing by equipping yourself and making a difference. The difficulty is easy to see upfront, but that doesn’t mean the it won’t be worth it. Changing the world by ridding it of what is unacceptable in it is something we can all aspire to.

God is a God of justice. You were not set free for just you. You were set free to release His call in you by listening to and following Him. Go for it. If He is calling you, He will see you through. I say this as a wife and mom of three who was completely unsure of where the time or energy to do anything outside of my regular day to day would come from. It isn’t easy, but I’ll never doubt that every step of this journey has been worth it!

Go make a difference. Change is seldom easy, but is often worth it. If we all begin to change the unacceptable things, they will eventually be defeated. Stay in the fight. Be about your call completely. Never give up.

Your Way

Tags

aggression, controlling behavior, Parenting, passive-aggression, selfishness

I had a conversation with someone who was really stressed and heartbroken over one thing: her in-laws saw it as a full-frontal assault when their advice was not taken or demands weren’t met.

I’m going to say this plainly: no matter the role you play in anyone else’s life, YOU ARE NOT OWED WITH HAVING THINGS DONE YOUR WAY!

No one should have to walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders because their choices are different than yours. There are only a few reasons why someone would burden someone else with this expectation:

1. They see it as a judgement on their choices if you make one that is different from them. If you have this problem, you need to deal with whatever insecurities you have that trap you into being so controlling that you can’t accept someone not choosing what you did.

2. It is a control issue. In the cases of parenting choices, YOUR KIDS DO NOT HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU DID THEY WAY YOU DID IT. Every parent is entitled to the right to find their own way. Even if what they are doing is completely different than what you did, THEY DO NOT OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION, AND THAT SHOULD NOT CAUSE A FIGHT.

3. This is a fight not worth having. If you’re going to insist on your own way above all, you are going to see division between you and whoever you operate like this with. Does love insist on its own way as the highest priority? No. Seriously consider how selfish you are if you can’t be in relationship with someone without everything having to go your way.

4. If you have something to say, be mature enough to address it with the person directly. This friend was deeply hurt by her father-in-law starting an argument on Facebook with her. Really? Facebook? That’s pitiable behavior, but it’s also maddening. It’s not ever okay. If you care so much about your way that you’re willing to throw an either aggressive or passive-aggressive tantrum on social media, you are not only going to make a fool of yourself, you are surely not going to get the result you want.

Here’s what it comes down to: the world isn’t about you. People don’t owe you giving you your way so that you are appeased. You can’t love people while only giving affection or time and approval when your will has been satisfied. Even if others cater to this and give in so they won’t have to fight, your relationships are superficial at best, and at worst, those around you are just constantly swallowing the resentment and anger they feel.

Who wants to make anyone feel this way? Who can live with that? Wouldn’t it be better just to love without stipulation? Wouldn’t it be better to give not as a means to get?

If you love people, insist on that. Insist on expressing that through ways that count. Insist on honoring their feelings and the relationships you want to have. Let go. Let them find their way. Even if they end up in a different place than you, that’s okay. Even if they fail, that’s okay. If you’ve loved them well, they’ll know it’s okay too.