Proximity

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black excellence, black lives matter, Christian, Christian Women, courage, Friendship, God's grace, God's love, God's truth, grace, Healing, hope, hope in Christ, hurt, identity, identity in Christ, kindness, love, marriage, Parenting, Prejudice, protecting children, purpose, racism, raising children, self care, Serving, sonship, the gospel, unconditional love, unity, Women

Being close to me does not mean you are not racist. Please do not make me your token card that proves you are not racist. That is not my job. That is not my role in my humanity.

I grew up in a family that was the most diverse one around me. I learned to love people for who they were. These people loved me so well. I never looked at them and saw difference. I just saw my family.

I grew up in a community where most of the kids were white or Hispanic, and there were very few African American kids. There was no one who looked like me. I always felt like the odd man out.

I’ll never forget the first play date that I had with a white friend. Her mom bought us coloring books and made snacks for us. She was always so kind, and I was welcomed in her home. I have often thought back on this experience and what it meant to me to feel completely accepted. Laura, thank you and your family for genuinely loving and welcoming me.

This was much different than my experience a few years later. I had a best friend that I played with everyday. I asked her if she wanted to come to my house to play. She was so excited. I was so excited.

The next day at recess she said her mom said she couldn’t come to my house because it was on the South Side. She said it’d be best if we didn’t play together anymore. I’ll never forget the feeling I had when she walked away from me at recess. It wasn’t the last time I’d feel it.

There were all these people who didn’t “see color,” but definitely wouldn’t let their kids date someone who wasn’t white. It was okay because, “…it was just the way I was raised.” That’s garbage. That’s bigotry. That’s racism.

You aren’t nice. You aren’t a good person. You don’t not see color. The world needs you to be a better human. The world needs you to recognize your blind spots and grips on privilege. I need you to do that.

If you love me, don’t be close to me so that you can hold me up on the altar of your ego that keeps you from looking at the places in and around you that have to be different.

I deserve better. I will love you deeply and with full sincerity. I will pray for you and with you. I will be your friend and sister in Christ, but I will not be your access to staying comfortable at the cost of inflicting tokenism on me.

I won’t carry that for you. Clean it up on your own. Do the work. Do not expect me to do it for you. Don’t let the lightness of my skin make you think I’m immune to prejudice and racism. Don’t let that make you comfortable in your proximity to me. I will always love every part of who I am.

My husband fully sees me and loves me. He does the work everyday. He is fiercely protective of our biracial children. He is fiercely protective and quick to tell anyone he’s married to a beautiful, Black woman. I know what it means to be fully loved and seen and accepted so I recognize the opposite when I see it.

To not be fully seen is not to be fully known or loved. Do not miss seeing something that’s so beautiful and special about me that you miss seeing me. My Blackness has been an important part of who I have become; it always will be. If you aren’t willing to do that I will ask you to choose to give up any proximity to me. I am BLACK EXCELLENCE, and I want to be seen for it. Fully seen. Fully known. Fully loved.

Bethlehem Baptist Church

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black history, black lives matter, Christian, faith, freedom, Godliness, gratitude, hope, hope in Christ, hurt, kindness, Kingdom Service, Prejudice, racism, Serving, sonship, the gospel, trusting God, unconditional love

My education of Black History came from those who lived it. I will eternally be thankful for them. My understanding of the events of today is seen through what I know. What I learned most of the kids at school next to me never did, and that is such a shame.

Here’s what I know: we have moved forward, but progress isn’t the same thing as equality. If you think it’s okay to stay silent so others can be comfortable and not have to struggle with inequality, you are wrong. We all have a voice. We all have the ability to challenge the status quo and push toward change.

Joseph Lucas taught me so much. He taught us about his son integrating the Dairy King in Big Lake. He taught us about what it was like to be in the military as a black man and the disparity there. He loved his country, but the whole country he served did not love him. He taught me what it meant to be the new principal at a desegregated school and a black man. He taught me what grace it took to work twice as hard for half as much respect you are due.

Alice Lucas taught me grace. She exuded grace in every smile and word. To this day I remember and love the sound of her voice. She taught me what allies are. Rose McWilliams was the reason she was able to be trained as a nurse. Without her, it wouldn’t have happened. Alice Lucas deserved the opportunity, but without Rose McWilliams, she would not have had it.

Margaret Woodard taught me what it was like to be the first black student to attend the high school in Big Lake; because she was first, I could go too. She was scared and nervous, but she took her place in a moment in history that demanded her courage.

Reverend Hoyle Samuel Smith taught me what it meant to overcome in a time that did not create space for him to succeed. He woke up blind one morning as a child, and had to learn to navigate the world without sight all while still being seen. Watching him love everyone without being able to see them for anything but who they were, showed me what love could be.

These people were kind and loving. They were welcoming to all. Despite that, they were not immune to being seen for their skin color though.

They were called Ni——- and every other slur you can think of. They were not immune from intimidation and racism. They were not safe from the danger of just being alive. They were not allowed to just be the wonderful people they were everywhere they went.

Year after year they taught me a history I would not have known. They challenged us to learn about those who came before and contributed great things to the world. You will not find these names in history books.

Many of you may know the same few names you heard year after year. There’s more. There are more stories that we all need to know. No one should be relegated to anonymity just because of their skin color. So many of my ancestors were over and over again.

I’m proud of the example and education they gave me. I know what I know because of these people who loved me and sang hymns next to me. They loved Jesus and the people around them.

It wounds me so deeply that they weren’t always free to worship next to the people and families they loved and served. They couldn’t join white friends for church or lunch at a restaurant after the services. They couldn’t eat a meal in a restaurant next to the white coworkers they prayed for. They couldn’t just be alive.

I will always deeply love them and be thankful. I will always be thankful for who they were to me. Some of these people didn’t know full equality in their lifetime. I hope to know it in mine.

When people were protesting mandatory quarantine, they did it while screaming in officer’s faces. They did it with AR-15s. They did it with anger over being asked to do what was best to slow a global pandemic. They never saw a drop of tear gas or a rubber bullet. Someday we’ll all have the same right, and that will actually mean something more than a sentiment.

Transformation

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biblical truth, black lives matter, George Floyd, God's grace, God's love, grace, gratitude, grief, Healing, hope in Christ, identity, identity in Christ, Kingdom Service, Prejudice, racism, sin, sonship, the gospel, trusting God, unconditional love

We are all really good at messing things up. We are all really good at making mistakes and hurting people. We are all good at stockpiling bitterness. We are all good at seeing the worst in people as a means of justification when things go badly.

George Floyd’s murder has caused an awakening across the country. It has caused those of sound mind and loving hearts to look at themselves and examine where they are in this conversation. There’s a difference between being “not racist” and being “anti-racist.”

I am anti-racist. I do not care which ethnicity is being targeted. I am not for it. I will not sit and listen to “jokes.” I will not tolerate slurs or stereotypical comments. I am not here for it. I am anti-racist.

That is consistent with the Bible. If you can look at the whole or heart of scripture that is all pointing to Jesus and not see His love for ALL of His creation, you do not know or love the Jesus I do.

He redeems. He transforms. He saves.

At this point, people have done their best to throw out information on who George Floyd was in regards to criminal activity. It is as if his crimes or black in black crime negate who he was trying to become.

I have been who George Floyd was. I was angry and dead in my sin. I made choices that reflected that nature. I am no more deserving of the grace who changed my life than him or anyone else. We forget that when someone’s aim is to point to the place of our failures instead of the King who won a victory for us that we could never deserve.

One of the relationships that changed my life was the one that began my Junior year of high school. Amy became my best friend. Her presence and friendship saved me. Literally. The investment her family made on me changed the trajectory of my entire life.

The first steps toward being who I am today started that year. I will always be thankful for our relationship. The bond we have has not been changed by time or distance. I can still be me and be heard and loved when we talk about anything- the hardest things. She is my family. My sister. My sister in Christ.

She and I were discussing the conversation that some people are trying to pivot toward the mistakes or George Floyd’s past. This is what she said:

“I agree that people’s wrongs shouldn’t be forgotten, but everything [she says] in dismantling his character is the same tactic used when every person commits a crime. We only focus on those wrongs that they’ve committed. But when we only look at a person’s wrongs, we ignore the whole person. When we only look at a person’s good, we ignore the whole person.
This was actually a lesson I put together for my students two years ago because they were struggling to understand why we should care about Odysseus when the Odyssey was about all of the wrong things he did. So I told them about George Washington and Thomas Jefferson and MLK. And that, for the majority of those people that we hold up and support, we forget about their wrongs. Likewise, for those people that we hold up and vilify, we forget about their good. Being a criminal is not a reason for someone to be killed. [ ] son was arrested for marijuana possession; if he was black, it would have been very probable for him to die during that-even if he was complying. His death might not have been reported unless it was filmed. And if his family and friends rallied behind him and said he shouldn’t have been killed, other people would have broken down his character and said, ‘he was breaking the law.’”

We are so quick to let people’s mistakes define them all while not wanting people to focus on ours. It’s a fact that we can be so selective about who the gospel is for. It is a fact we can be so selective about who we decide the gospel is for.

My life and very person have been transformed since August 5, 2004. When I think about all of that and what I have become in the years since, I have nothing but gratitude for everyone who loved me through my worst.

If people did not love me passed who I was, none of that would have happened. I don’t know where I would be, but it would not be here.

I pray I never forget how far Jesus has carried me. I pray I never forget His heart for me and ALL people.

Liberty & Justice For ALL

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Ahmad Aubrey, Anxiety, biblical truth, Christian Values, Christian Women, Death Grief, democracy, Family, Fear, freedom, George Floyd, God's love, grief, Healing, hope in Christ, hurt, Kingdom Service, love, Parenting, Prejudice, purpose, racism, raising children, Serving, sin, sonship, the gospel, unity

If your patriotism were on the altar in the temple, Jesus would have overturned it. He isn’t interested in that beyond what He taught you.

He did not teach you to be loyal to political party and agenda above all. He did not teach you to be loyal to any ethnicity above Him. He made us to know Him and enjoy Him forever. He made us to know Him as our highest treasure.

He made all of us. He could have made us all exactly the same, but diversity in His creation show His creativity and heart. That shows His love for all of us.

He did not make people with dark skin so they could be enslaved, beaten, counted as 3/5 a human, subject to Jim Crow, denied basic right, conditioned to believe they were less than, and left without a hope of justice. God’s heart is JUST. All of those atrocities came from the heart of man. We are great at causing devastation and destruction.

These injustices are systemic. They may create a narrative you do not live, but that does not mean that it is not true for others. They are filler in the soil of our country’s foundation.

You may be tired of hearing, “Black Lives Matter.” You ARE NOT more tired of hearing it than we are of saying it. Does that statement deny that all lives matter? No. Does it have to be said? Yes. BLACK LIVES MATTER TOO. BLACK LIVES SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS MATTERED. BLACK LIVES ARE NOT WORTH A MERE 3/5 COMPARATIVELY. It has to be said again and again because equality is still lost to us.

We can jog and be murdered. We can have those who are there to protect and serve weaponized against us through mere deceit. We can peacefully protest and lose everything. It was not just a lady refusing to leash a dog. It was Emmett Till and millions before him. We are terrified to make any mistake. We are afraid to be seen as a threat.

Our lessons to stay safe are different. Our way of life is not free. I am not free from the fear of knowing that while my brother is jogging to exercise, he could be accused to running to break into HIS luxury car. What will happen to him? A Marine. A Veteran. What if someone thinks he is breaking into it? I could be Ahmad’s family. I could be George’s family.

I am so tired of there being debate on this. There is no debate. There is no other opinion for anyone who wants an equal and just world. If you are fine with any of it, you are the problem. You will teach the hatred that has continued and plagued all of man kind. You will live with it. You will not call it out. Tolerating hatred is the same thing as condoning it.

If you hate anyone because of any ethnicity or any reason of difference, you do not love God. You are making the world a worse place for all of us- for my children to grow up in. I love this country, but I do not love what I see it becoming. I do not love the loss of the value of truth. I do not love the loss for the values of right and wrong. I do not love the loss of what justice and liberty mean.

Starve Fear

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Christian, Christian Women, COVID19, Family, Fear, Friendship, God's grace, God's truth, grace, gratitude, hope, hope in Christ, identity in Christ, Kingdom Service, letting go, love, motherhood, pandemic, parenthood, Parenting, prayer, quarantine, raising children, trusting God, Women

I just had a wonderful conversation with a friend about some of the really hard things we’re facing as a global community, but also the hard things that are sitting on her shoulders. It wasn’t wonderful because of the heaviness; it was wonderful because we loved each other through it.

It’s hard not to feel the weight and fear of uncertainty right now. For those of us who struggle with anxiety, it’s real. It’s tangible. It shows up in our bodies. It’s the lump you can’t swallow. It makes your mind spiral. It crushes hope. It makes the worst case scenario seem like the only outcome.

In these moments, I’m thankful for a faith that teaches me truth. In these moments, which are real, I have to remember that the truth is even more real than my fear.

As I cling to truth, I am also pushed toward gratitude. I am reminded to cure those feelings I need to be grateful for what is real and right and good in this moment. Spiraling out and my mind taking me to places filled with the unknown is not the cure.

Focusing on the now. Taking care of what I can control. Finding joy in the moments that aren’t what I had planned but are still sweet. Being so so thankful and grateful for the health in my body and in the bodies of my family. Being thankful for creative ideas being shared. Seeing others rise up for each other.

I know this pandemic will pass. I know that we are living with some of the most brilliant minds that have ever lived. There’s a global push forward and through. We will get through this. As generations before us survived so much without the amazing advances in every societal area, we will make it through.

In the meantime, focus on the now. Be wise and plan the things you need to, but don’t hold those plans too tightly. Be flexible. Breathe. Focus on gratitude. Pray. Never forget that you aren’t alone. None of us are, and we can help encourage each other.

Starve the fear so much that gratitude has more room to grow. Fear dies when you don’t look at it and feed it. It will pass. One quarantined day at a time. ❤️

Explaining Racism

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activists, civil rights, hatred, I have a dream, MLK, motherhood, parenthood, Parenting, Prejudice, racism, the gospel

Nothing makes racism sound more absurd than trying to explain it to an 8 year old.

There’s no real way to make something so ridiculous make sense to someone whose mind can’t conceive hating and enslaving and subjugating people because of your own fears and prejudices.

The truth is that hatred, no matter the targeted group, shouldn’t make sense to any of us.

My daughter came home with question after question after learning about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. at school again this year. She couldn’t understand why anyone would kill him for trying to make things equal. She didn’t and couldn’t understand why the world allowed for things to be that way at all.

We have spent the weekend talking about who MLK was historically, but also how who he was makes our family possible today.

Imagine having to explain to your child that your marriage was not legal in the lifetime of their grandparents where you live. Without the work of countless people, I could not have married my husband. Let that sink in.

We couldn’t have attended the same university, church events, or loved each other without there being life-threatening consequences.

It’s something so hard to imagine. It’s something that we want to believe was so long ago, but it wasn’t. The fight for equality and fairness in and under the law has not been attained still, but EVERY STEP FORWARD MATTERS.

Every step matters for the generations who are being born now who will look back at us and see how much more we had than those just one generation before us. One day, we will all be judged solely by the content of our character if we have the boldness to teach that to the generations being raised up.

This is not an easy cycle to break or conversation have, but if it matters, you have to engage it. It’s not nearly enough to say racism is wrong. You have to call it what it is and not be comfortable around it. You have to show your kids what it means to live like it’s wrong beyond what you say.

You have to live like you don’t want there to be any place for it in our world, and if we can do that with courage of conviction, there’s hope that one day, his dream will be fully realized.

My Weary World…

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Anxiety, Christian, Christian Women, courage, Family, Fear, God's love, Healing, hope, hope in Christ, hurt, identity in Christ, love, motherhood, oh holy night, parenthood, Parenting, prayer, the gospel, trials, unconditional love, weariness, Women

Oh Holy Night is one of my favorite Christmas hymns. I love the melody, the lyrics, and the way it cuts right through me and into the places that need to be reminded.

I feel so connected with this song and to God when I raise my voice to sing it. As the words fill my ears and heart, I’m reminded of what a wonderful birth did for me.

I’m also reminded of one phrase I wish I cherished more. On Christmas there was born a Savior, and “…a new and glorious morn.” The morning breaks the dark sky with light. Darkness is dispelled and conquered by a magnificent, colorful sky. In the same way, Jesus broke all my darkness with the light of hope, but I am not always mindful that is true everyday.

In times of anxiety, in times of restlessness, in times of sickness, in times of acclaim, in times of triumph, EVERY DAY IS A NEW AND GLORIOUS MORN!

I forget that. I forget that when I’m so tired I don’t want to get out of bed. In this long season of sickness I’ve been fighting through, I forget that each day is an opportunity to fall on my knees in my weariness and rejoice. In all things. Through all things, my Savior was born in a stable, died on a tree, and is alive at the right hand of God. He is praying for me.

He knows the hairs on my head so even in every affliction, my preciousness to Him is not lost. In suffering, He knows my name and intercedes for me. When I stumble and end up scraped in bloody fight to get on my feet again, He is singing over me and rejoicing in the fact that I am His.

He has promised to make something beautiful on the other side of the refining fire for my good and His glory.

In my weary world, I can remember that in this focused season of remembering the start of Christ coming to save me, He came knowing what I would be up against. He came knowing how far He would go to defeat it, and He did. In the moments that I feel like His face has turned from me, I am wrong. He endured that so I’d never have to. He is there. He is waiting. He loves me.

I pray that I would have eyes to see that the morning we will celebrate tomorrow is the first that changed everything. With it came “The thrill of hope…” and that hope is mine- in all things, at all times because of that blessed holy night.

Sorrows

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affirmation, Anxiety, biblical truth, Christian, Christian Values, Christian Women, Death Grief, faith, Family, God's grace, God's love, God's truth, grace, gratitude, grief, Healing, hope, hope in Christ, hurt, identity in Christ, love, miscarriage, prayer, pregnancy, the gospel, tragedy, trials, trusting God, truth, unconditional love, Women

Today I’ve been listening to a song over and over. I woke up with it in my heart not knowing God was preparing a balm I would need.

“In all my sorrows, Jesus is better. Make my life believe…”

This is something I didn’t know would be necessary for today. In the heaviness in knowing people you love are suffering, it’s hard to see the truth over the situation beyond the devastation in it.

It has been a devastating day. I have sat frozen, unable to know what to do or think. Then the melody fills that empty seeming space…

He’s better. He is our hope. Today, He’s having to make my heart believe, but He has gone before. He prepared the way. He knew this grief and suffering, and He made a way for Him to be our eternal comfort. He isn’t angry at our needing to be comforted. He is standing by- ready to remind, to restore, to heal, and in that, my heart can believe.

Truly, in Him the anthem is “Glory, glory…” In Him there is something to be eternally grateful for- even if we have to wait until then to hold that and be wrapped up in it for a never-ending love and celebration.

Today, though my heart is better, Jesus is better and bigger, and in that, my soul can rest.

Church Clothes

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Christian Values, Christian Women, Christianity, church, compassion, God's grace, God's love, God's truth, grace, hope, identity in Christ, image bearer, kindness, Kingdom Service, parenthood, Serving, sonship, the gospel

After church, we went to lunch as a family. This felt so special today. My health has been up and down and all over the place. I have missed church. I long to be in that place. Entering into worship, hearing the word of God, fellowship and community, communion- I could go on. It is precious to me.

My soul felt full after church today. Rob and I talked about that feeling of being loved and known by our church family as we drove to lunch at Chuy’s.

We were enjoying our lunch when part of a large group was seated on the patio near us. As soon as they were seated, they began demanding- not requesting. Over the course of about half an hour the rest of the party arrived and the demands grew.

• Open the plastic patio screens.
• I want more napkins now.
• We want someone waiting on us now. At first they didn’t want anything until everyone arrived, but the second their minds changed- physic powers of the staff were supposed to know that.
• Get us drinks. Now.
• They began unzipping and undoing the plastic patio screens themselves.
• They didn’t like the salt shakers.
• We need our drinks faster.
• We want chips now.
• I’ll just do it myself if you aren’t going to do this now.
• Last person is here, get her a drink now.

I felt like my head was going to explode. I called our server over. He was helping the server with this table- along with a manager and three busboys. They stopped every person who walked through the area and told them to bring them something. Again, they didn’t ask. They didn’t say please. They demanded.

I asked him to let that server know that no matter what she did, she was not going to satisfy them. They were going to complain and demand, and it wasn’t her fault. I asked him to let the manager know they were being rude and awful to her. I told him I had waited tables, and the manager needed to know how they were treating the staff.

He thanked me and said he was just trying to help her out because they were being so difficult. I told him it was easy to see and that they just needed to do the best they could. The manager stopped by a little while later and I told her how hard the staff were working for such rude customers and she thanked me for letting her know, and she also thanked us because the servers told her how nice our table had been.

Before we left I got the chance to talk to the server at that table. She came over and I told get how sorry I was they were treating her so badly. She was almost in tears. She said they were so rude and she was just overwhelmed. Next I said this, “One of the things that bothers me most is that they are dressed in clothes that look like they just came from church. I want you to know that the lack of grace and kindness and compassion they are showing you is not a reflection of the heart of Jesus for you.”

She looked kind of shocked and said thank you so much.

Here’s the reason why I am writing this post. Your life is your ministry. Who you are when you leave church on Sunday matters. Wearing a cross and “church clothes” out to lunch after you leave church services while you are rude and demanding and impatient and lack basic human decency MAKES A MOCKERY OF THE HOPE OF THE GOSPEL!

It matters infinitely how you treat people, and it’s just pageantry to attend a service and go back into the world unchanged. It mocks the very heart of God and makes the gospel repellent to a world that needs to hear it if you are supposed to be an image bearer of the one it testifies to, but you treat people like garbage because you think you are entitled to.

It matters. It has to matter that we are known by how we love and interact with those we meet and those our lives intersect with everyday. When you get the chance, make those moments count, and be a person who says to someone, the heart of God is for you by how you treat and engage them.

Open Letter from a SPED Parent

Tags

autism, Christian Values, courage, exceptionalities, Fear, God's love, high functioning autism, hope in Christ, motherhood, parenthood, Parenting, protecting children, raising children, Serving, special education, special education parenting, sped teachers, trusting God, unconditional love

I am the parent who buys extra Kleenex. I’m the parent who will bring you whatever you need for your classroom. I will show up for parties and field trips.

I’m the parent who stresses and prays all summer for a teacher who has the heart to take the time to see my children for who they are and who will give them a chance. I hope that for every child around them too.

I hope you realize that I am so nervous to entrust them to you. I hope that you realize that I have lost sleep over the idea that because I have a child on spectrum, you may not want him in your class.

This is not true of the teachers I am friends with and for that, I am thankful, but I know these people are out there. These people will never look at Ethan and see his potential; they will only see someone burdensome to deal with.

To the teachers who love kids no matter their challenges and struggles, thank you. Thank you for creating a safe, loving environment where my child can be seen and loved and included. Thank you for wanting them to flourish and grow. Thank you for showing up for him. Thank you for adoring him on the hardest of days. Thank you for showing them the very heart of God by loving them unconditionally.

For those who would try strip any part of his personhood away from him, GO DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH YOURSELF. You do not deserve the honor of knowing him, and you certainly should not have other children entrusted to you. To these people, I hope I never have to know you, but if you ever try to harm my child through your disdain of his presence, you will not succeed.

If you can see a person with an exceptionality in any situation and hate their very existence to the point that you would be disgusted by having to interact with them, you are the worst kind of person and your heart is filled with the kind of hate that makes this world a scary place for my son and for me.

If you are the parent who wonders and hopes that your child will be loved, you are not alone. If you are the parent who ever faces this teacher, stand up for your child, and do not give them an inch of room to degrade your child.