Grief is such a terrible thing because it can blindside you at any moment. Triggers hit hard and fast. I opened a bottle of marinade to pour onto some ribs for dinner. The second the smell hit my nose, all I could think about was his brisket. It smelled just like it- just like him after he’d been by the pit for hours and hours. I sobbed. It’s incredible that a smell can break your heart all over again.
The flood of memories speak to the great times. The times before the exit. The fishing trips. The Christmas celebrations. The summers. The cook offs. The smiles and hugs. The immense feeling of being loved- and then left behind.
Every time I was pregnant I only wanted that brisket. I only wanted the feeling that came with it. I only wanted my babies to know that love. They never got their chance. They never got to know that joy that I had for so much of my life.
If anyone reading this ever thinks that choosing to end it all is the answer, it’s not. What really happens is that the life landscape of every person who knows and loves you will just be filled with land mines that are buried too deep to be seen but break them apart every time one is triggered. The blow crushes you with pain all over again. You never really recover. The end isn’t the answer. Asking for help is. The pain just passes on to others, and they carry the ache of missing you for the rest of their lives.
Never choose that. Never send that shock of pain that will never stop wounding, and will never go away. All life’s troubles have answers, except this one. There will never be answers that can satisfy why you would choose to go. Please, never do that to anyone. Ask for help. If you have to carry on in the wake of this grief, know you aren’t alone. There is help for you too. Be well.