Open Letter from a SPED Parent

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autism, Christian Values, courage, exceptionalities, Fear, God's love, high functioning autism, hope in Christ, motherhood, parenthood, Parenting, protecting children, raising children, Serving, special education, special education parenting, sped teachers, trusting God, unconditional love

I am the parent who buys extra Kleenex. I’m the parent who will bring you whatever you need for your classroom. I will show up for parties and field trips.

I’m the parent who stresses and prays all summer for a teacher who has the heart to take the time to see my children for who they are and who will give them a chance. I hope that for every child around them too.

I hope you realize that I am so nervous to entrust them to you. I hope that you realize that I have lost sleep over the idea that because I have a child on spectrum, you may not want him in your class.

This is not true of the teachers I am friends with and for that, I am thankful, but I know these people are out there. These people will never look at Ethan and see his potential; they will only see someone burdensome to deal with.

To the teachers who love kids no matter their challenges and struggles, thank you. Thank you for creating a safe, loving environment where my child can be seen and loved and included. Thank you for wanting them to flourish and grow. Thank you for showing up for him. Thank you for adoring him on the hardest of days. Thank you for showing them the very heart of God by loving them unconditionally.

For those who would try strip any part of his personhood away from him, GO DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH YOURSELF. You do not deserve the honor of knowing him, and you certainly should not have other children entrusted to you. To these people, I hope I never have to know you, but if you ever try to harm my child through your disdain of his presence, you will not succeed.

If you can see a person with an exceptionality in any situation and hate their very existence to the point that you would be disgusted by having to interact with them, you are the worst kind of person and your heart is filled with the kind of hate that makes this world a scary place for my son and for me.

If you are the parent who wonders and hopes that your child will be loved, you are not alone. If you are the parent who ever faces this teacher, stand up for your child, and do not give them an inch of room to degrade your child.

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Ruined

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anger, Anxiety, Christian, Christian Women, desperation, Family, Fear, God's love, grief, identity in Christ, justice, love, prayer, sadness, sorrow, trusting God, unconditional love

The last few months have been hard. That word isn’t adequate. I have been slain. Things have been broken and torn that will never repair. Yet…

In this suffering I am reminded of how much this world is not my home. In this suffering my heart has known tremendous grief. In celebrating the ending of the life of someone so beloved by me, I grieved. In her life, she was always for me. She always loved me and advocated for me. In that, the pain of loss has been great, but yet, I could still celebrate her reception into the presence of her greatest Love.

That my mind can celebrate. That my heart can find relief in. The assurance of knowing that I will rejoice with her again is a balm for my soul.

There is one I can not reconcile. There is one who I feel is so lost to me. There is one I’m grieving while there is still life in their body. There is one wound I do not know what can mend.

To know you love someone so deeply who you may never see again, ever, is heavy. It is excruciating. It hurts without there ever being a promise of any kind of relief.

Everything hurts for what all has been ruined. All the lives. All the pain. All the suffering.

Yet God in the midst has reminded me that breath in lungs mean that the story isn’t over. It is not over. His heart is still for them. There is room at the cross for them. The mantle given to me has been prayer. I am praying so much I can not sleep.

Though I am tired and slain and my heart is ruined, I know that in this suffering God is good. He is merciful. He endured a scourging and a separation I will never know. The cross broke Him and showed that God’s heart is about justice. Justice is not circumstantial, and our ideas of what that means can not give way- no matter the situation. Our hearts are made to seek justice all while remembering grace. There is grace. If there was grace for my sin that killed Jesus, there is grace for anyone else.

That is what haunts me and make me pray, but I want my own anger that feels so justified. As I pray and God rips my heart apart over my disobedience, I am moved to love.

I can not help but love all those involved, but more than that, I love my God in this suffering. He suffered worse. He knows the grief in my heart because I truly believe it is in His heart too.

So today, where it all feels ruined, He is doing something with what we ruin. When there is only grief, He has a dawn assured to bring new mercies that can wash it all clean. In these hours, I will trust in the Lord to be everything all of us need- sanctifying, healer, and redeemer.

All is not lost, God is on the move.

My Cup…

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children, gratitude, motherhood, parenthood, Parenting, raising children, trusting God, Women, working mom

I’ve been a full-time working mom. Everything I’m saying here isn’t meant to knock that choice. No matter what we do in our day to day, there’s scrutiny and penalty.

If you stay home there’s the judgement about what you do in a day, why you don’t contribute to your family financially, and so on. If you work there’s judgement about priorities, what you might miss out on, and so on. Either way, you can be painted into the worst kind of corner by people and their opinions- if you allow it.

Please know that I am not saying anything here to make mommas who work outside their homes full-time feel criticized for that choice. I wouldn’t do that. I am simply going to share my gratitude for the place I’m in now.

I hit the jackpot with my job. I work with an incredible group of people, and have a boss who gives me the flexibility I need to work the way I need to. That’s not a small thing. After finishing Grad school, I felt awkward thinking about applying for jobs. How would I explain the big gap in my resume? Would people take me seriously after taking time to be home?

Before I finished school, my boss was my intern supervisor and he asked if I’d be interested in continuing on in some capacity after graduation if I could do most of my work from home. Umm, YES! Again, I hit the jackpot, and I don’t take that for granted.

The last few weeks I’ve been doing more things that require me to go into work for longer stretches than usual, and I have really enjoyed them. I had so much fun presenting at our mediator training, and am so excited about everything I got to learn at a conference I attended.

At the end of those days, the smiles on the faces of my kiddos made me even more thankful. I’ve been thankful for the work and the experience I get to have at my job. After the last few weeks, I’m even more thankful for all the ways I get to be there for my babies. There were two days I didn’t get to see Ethan or Joshua until I got home at the end of the day. When I walked in and hugged them, I was reminded of what it’s like to miss them, and I’ll be honest- I’m not a fan!

If anything, the last few weeks have made me more grateful for everything in my life. A boss who sees me and gets the phase of life I’m in, co-workers who are some of the best people I’ve ever gotten to work with, and babies I get to pour into during a season I’ll never have again.

I hope your days are filled with people and opportunities than fill you with a deep sense of gratitude. My heart is so full thinking about all I’ve been given. My cup runner over!

Beautiful Daughters

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beauty, Christian, Christian Women, daughters, gender, gender roles, identity in Christ, motherhood, parenthood, Parenting, protecting children, sons, trusting God, Women

My daughter is stunning. She is sunshine personified. She is kind and brave. She is incredibly resilient and strong. She is wise and so incredibly smart. She is the best person I know, and she’s only seven.

At first glance the world will notice how beautiful she is. That’s right on the surface. There’s no work required to see that. There’s no digging into the depths of who she is to see that.

The world and most people in it will probably assume too much to soon about her. That’s what it’s always done to us. Women. We have always been put on display. We’ve always been counted out before we could step into the ring.

Boxed in. Trained to be quiet. Trained to just deal and go on. NOT MY DAUGHTER!

I don’t teach my daughter to be thin. I don’t talk to her about diets. I talk to her about making her body strong and healthy.

I don’t talk to her about fitting in. I talk to her about being herself. I never will encourage her to trade away what is precious about her for acceptance.

God didn’t make her for high school or popularity. He made her for His glory.

In a world filled with little girls who have been abandoned, it’s hard to relate to the idea of God the Father. We hurt because of those letdowns and deep wounds.

We cross our legs, wait to be asked to dance, and grit our teeth holding back our true selves.

Not my daughter. That will not be her life. She’ll know who she is should be celebrated. She’ll have a world full of room for possibilities and dreams. So will my sons, and they will be raised to make room for everyone around them to thrive. They will know there’s enough sunshine for all of us.

I will give that to myself. I will be the example of chasing down my dreams so they know they can too. They’ll know that gender should never determine opportunities. They’ll look beyond the surface. They won’t be trophies and they won’t look for them either.

I want their idea of what is beautiful to be what makes people uniquely and genuinely themselves. I want them to see that for themselves so conforming to any other expectation or standard of beauty isn’t what they reach for or want. They are effortlessly beautiful in who they are.

Not my sons. Not my beautiful daughter.

https://youtu.be/KiioYp28c7QThe Daughters, Little Big Town

God Didn’t Make You

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affirmation, Christian Women, God's grace, God's love, God's truth, hope in Christ, identity, identity in Christ, purpose, sonship, the gospel, trusting God, unconditional love, Women

God didn’t make you for misery.

God didn’t make you without means to a voice.

God didn’t make you for the pursuit of status and stuff.

God didn’t make you so that you would try to earn acceptance and love.

God didn’t make you to exchange who you are for popularity.

God didn’t make you so that you would want anything more than Him.

God didn’t make you to be like everyone else.

God didn’t make you to display your own glory.

God didn’t make you for this world.

God made you for joy found only in Him.

God made you for impact; be a force for good.

God made you to trust in His sufficiency, not worldly comfort.

God made you to know unconditional love and acceptance through the cross of His Son.

God made you to be accepted in His love, not by worldly standards.

God made you to be uniquely and securely you.

God made you to know Him and enjoy Him eternally.

God made you in His time and His purpose to be exactly what the world and His kingdom needed.

God made you to display His splendor and love to a world that desperately needs to see it.

God made you for an eternal home with Him. This world will never be that.

No matter what the world says, remember who you were made to be. Hold fast to truths even when everything and everyone tries to drown them out.

The Strength To Let Got

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Christian Women, letting go, strength, the gospel, trusting God

It’s hard to know when you don’t need to be strong when that’s been your only option. Either through circumstances beyond you control or through the consequences of your own choices, it somehow becomes ingrained in the fabric of your very person that you have to always be strong. Always be a contender. Always fight for everything you want. Work. Earn it.

That message on repeat can be a driving force toward ambition, but it shouts louder than words you need to hear. It pushes back against words like these: mercy, grace, faithfulness, and hope.

In this cycle mistakes can undo all the work you’ve done. There is no forgiveness for yourself or others. You begin to only count on yourself- never fully trusting that you can count on anyone else. The only thing to hope in is your best effort, which is flawed.

Anything that feels like not controlling all of those things shows weakness. Remember, you can never show weakness. Your worth is completely and inseparably tied to your success and accomplishments, and those things come by way of your strength.

In this, the idea that you could be loved, unconditionally, as you are, is a laughable. In this, the idea that all that you can do will never satisfy you is unthinkable. In this, acknowledging there could strength for your weakness makes no sense. Considering that there is healing and a desire to make you whole just because you are loved…

Thinking that you are not worthy, but you are accepted is completely counterintuitive. The gospel speaks those truths, and in those truths there is freedom to let go. There is freedom to simply be. No earning. No holding on.

There is strength found in letting go.

In letting go, you grab onto what is truly sustaining and life giving. You find a voice that speaks love over you. You find a strength that is steadfast and true. Unshakable. In this, you learning that being still and being known feel like breathing for the first time.

I was reminded of all these things and where I started in my walk with Christ while listening to Switchfoot’s new album. It’s so so good, and “The Strength To Let Go” held up a mirror that reminded me so of these truths when I needed to hear them. It reminded me to let go and just be.

I can’t help but think that someone else out there needs that reminder too. I pray you find the strength to let go where you need to!

Surgery

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Christmas, Fear, Friendship, Healing, love, marriage, motherhood, Parenting, prayer, self care, sickness, stress, surgery, trusting God, unconditional love

Well, it’s been no secret that we’ve been on the health struggle bus since we moved here. I’ve spent a lot more time worried about my husband and babies than myself, but that finally caught up with me. After my 10th positive strep test this year and many weeks of waiting, I finally got into an ENT.

He dug around and found necrotic tissue in my tonsils. Not good. He found swelling that was very bad. Before the exam he asked if I had bigger concerns about the sinus stuff or my tonsils. After the exam he asked me when I’d like to get them out. Essentially our discussion of options became option-less. “This is what we have to do!” became the tone of the conversation.

He was kind and patient when answering my questions. He’s hopeful that removing my festering tonsils will help that sinus pressure/infections and other problems. We finished our visit, and I was sent right to the scheduler. My surgery is scheduled for next month.

What does this mean? 10-14 days in bed where I will be able to do little other than pain management work and getting as much sleep as I can. What does this mean for my family?

1. I’m thankful that Rob’s workplace is filled with people who care about each person in my family. He will be able to work and help take care of all of us. I can’t express what that means or how thankful I am that we made the move for him to work with such incredible people. I’m working on a big article for a magazine so my timeline just got pushed way up. I am so thankful my boss is working with me on this. We now have editing scheduled during my recovery.

2. I was supposed to help host our gospel community next month, but now I can’t. If you know how much I love to host, you know I was really so upset to have to share that news. The second I told everyone, people began pulling out their phones and making a meal train, and putting MY surgery on THEIR calendars. We have longed for this ability to connect with the body for so long. I’m beyond grateful for that moment.

3. One of my best friends offered to figure out flying in or out of here if she could make it work without me even asking. My sister immediately volunteered to come stay the weekends to give Rob a break and help. My parents volunteered to come for the surgery day and for a few days to help Rob. A sweet friend even volunteered to just come watch TV with me so I wouldn’t be alone. More friends promised to step in and do whatever we needed- all because they love us.

4. Now a not so pleasant one: I have to stop breastfeeding. I never thought I’d do that longer than a year, but things have been so easy this go ’round, and Joshua has been so committed. Seriously, he loves to breastfeed still. I thought I was so ready to be done, but I already see how it’s frustrating him. I know my body can’t be responsible for such work post surgery, but this one has been tough on my heart.

This is surely going to be trying for all of us. If you think about our family next month, please pray that this procedure goes well, brings healing and restored health, and that the recovery is light on everyone. I hope my babies understand why I can’t be with them. I hope they get along and have so much fun with their daddy. I have every reason to hope this will all go well.

My mind is stressed trying to get all the ducks in a row- one more birthday party, getting Christmas decorations up, getting shopping squared away, and trying to prep as much as I can. I’m a planner. I like to know what’s in front of me. This is surely messing up an already busy time of year, but I’m trying, really trying, to set us up for this to go as well as possible all while remembering to breathe.

As my brain works triple overtime, pray for peace for all of us on the road to surgery and after. It’s going to be hard, but as I am learning, trusting God with my eternity means trusting Him with all of our today’s. For surgery day and after, I am choosing to set my mind and heart in trusting Him to care for all of us. He’s already showing up.

Perspective

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blinders, child cancer, health, motherhood, Parenting, perspective, prayer, sickness, trusting God

This last 12+ months have been hard on our family. With a tonsillectomy after endless strep, the flu, viruses, ear infections, and on and on, there has just seemed to be no end in sight.

That’s been hard. That’s been overwhelming. In some ways that has put blinders on me which blocked my peripheral. In that, I couldn’t see something huge.

Lauren was talking to me about her friend Jack at school. She’s told me some things about playing with him before. Today she told me Jack used to travel all the time. I asked why. She said, “Jack is a child cancer survivor. He travelled to Disney World, and to see doctors. He’s better now. His hair is growing back.” I couldn’t even think what to say for a second. I asks if she was sure he is better now. She said he was. She said, “Yes, he’s a survivor.”

If that wasn’t enough, a dear friend posted something to the effect of trusting God with her eternity, but not trusting Him with her now. I felt that one. I felt that one deep. God was gracious enough to make sure I wasn’t missing what He was saying to me through this post.

It is wearing to feel like your constantly running to the doctor, scrubbing and Lysoling, in line at the pharmacy, diffusing oils, measuring medicine, and trying to keep everyone well. I have felt that for a long time. It’s real, but this is too:

Inside my blinders I forgot to be thankful that what my kids have needed to be well was just a trip to the pharmacy away.

All they’ve had has been completely treatable. Even with having to go through surgery, the recovery went incredibly well. Even in this long, hard season, I should be so thankful for the positive things that have come, even in the sickness. I should be filled with gratitude for how we’ve had the access and means to care for our family completely. I will be thankful for those things.

I hear you Lord. I will be so much more intentional about trusting Him in each now, as they come.

Slain

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Christian, dreams, Fear, God's love, hope, hope in Christ, identity in Christ, letting go, motherhood, prayer, trusting God, weight of glory, Women

I’ve had to examine myself a lot lately. Have you ever had that feeling that all is not well in your heart, but you couldn’t get your finger on exactly what is bothering you? It’s a gnawing feeling. It doesn’t relent, and you have to examine yourself in an effort to keep bitterness or anger or resentment out of your heart. I couldn’t quite figure out why I felt those things welling up. I have so much to be thankful for, and I really am. There was just something that felt heavy. There was something I couldn’t see. When I did see it, it hit me with the full force of an 18 wheeler.

The truth is that those things were rearing up in me over reasons that were all about me. The way I saw life panning out has been interrupted. Doesn’t that always get us- when life gets in the way of our plans? Don’t we feel wronged, even if it’s not deeply wronged, when what we hoped seems all but lost?

There was some of that coming in, and by the time I noticed it, I had already given it more ground than I realized. I was sad. I was defeated. I didn’t understand why. Why were there things that were always going to be hard or at least harder than I expected or planned? Why was there so much more to do just to get to okay? Were things always going to harder than I wanted them to be? What would happen when I am no longer here to carry that weight?

These thoughts kept me up at night until I looked at myself closely enough to see them and what they were doing to me. Robbing me of peace. Shaking awake the reality that in some ways, everything would not turn out how I thought. With ruined dreams, slain hopes, and a picturesque life taken away, I had to figure out what was more important, what was most valuable. Were those things it? Had I hoped in them? Had I trusted that things would just go the way they “should” so much that them not going that way had shaken me?

I was half praying and half thinking through what was happening in my heart and mind, when a song I heard years before came to mind (link to video below). It struck me like a lightning bolt, and I could not be more thankful.

Though You Slay Me. In this I remembered that what He is doing is for my refining. What He’s doing is for His glory. What He’s doing is preparing me for eternity. What He is ruining is my way so that I would seek to know His. What He taking are my dreams so that I might know the destiny I was created for. What He is slaying is my desire to depend on anything besides Him, and in that, He is setting me free from the expectation of what things are supposed to be in my mind so that I might know that what He has is better. In crushing me in all of it, He is showing me the grace of receiving a beauty that is coming when I clutched the ashes of what I thought was over. It’s not over. He is not finished being good or doing good for me.

What is coming is more knowing and living in the truth of His sufficiency in all things. What is coming is splendor and joy through the exalting of the name of Jesus, whether or not life has ease. What is coming is deeper foundations being built into who I am because He loves me enough to show me what He has for me beyond what I planned for me.

What does that cost? Letting go. Living the hope I know to be real, and trusting His Father heart to meet me and minister to me and restore in me what was meant to feel like loss. I am not lost. I have always been in His hand. He has always been working for my good- especially when it didn’t feel like it.

What’s next? Waiting. Trusting. And waiting some more. This waiting is with the greatest expectations that what is coming will not wound but will bring with it the joy that I’m promised in Him. If you’re in this place too, hold fast. The things that hurt are not meant to break you beyond what needs to be wrenched from you.

What is coming is glorious. What is coming is for your good, and will work about a weight of glory that will be in you now and with you for eternity. Every bit of it matters. Every bit of it is seen. In every bit of it, you are being loved.

Drop Your Net

Tags

faith, Jesus calling, letting go, open hand, trusting God

I was driving and praying about a lot of things this week. My babies going back to school has given me lots of time for this. One thing I’ve prayed for is strength to be obedient and disciplined in following God’s calling. As I was driving and praying about this, I thought about this:

“While walking by the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon (who is called Peter) and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea, for they were fishermen. And he said to them, ‘Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.’ Immediately they left their nets and followed him.” – Matthew 4:18-20

These men had been trained for years to do this one thing their whole lives. They woke up every day to fish, and knew that’s what they would do until the day they died. This is what they knew. This is what they were comfortable in. In a split second Jesus called and they left all they had ever known to follow Him. They didn’t question. They didn’t hesitate. They just dropped their nets. 

That’s the part that really got me. The nets. Nets serve one purpose- to capture, to snare, to trap. Christ gives us all callings, but how many of us drop our nets and go instead of holding onto what we know? When we hear His voice, do we make excuses to stay where we are instead of dropping it and going? 

Stepping into the calling of pursuing Graduate school after moving across the country again while raising three kids does not seem like the best timing decision. I was actually on the phone with my cousin this week and made that joke. Then I realized that was an excuse to hold  my net that would have trapped me into ignoring God’s call. That made me so thankful for the confidence God gave me when I began thinking about what He had for me in light of my gifts and where He would call me to serve. 

How often do we do this? How often to we hold on to what we know or what we like or what we love or what is familiar and ignore God’s call? This doesn’t even have to be with things that we know aren’t good. This can be with things that are great. We can hold so tightly to our net that we are so comfortable with that when God challenges us to let go and follow Him, we can’t and won’t. 

This can even be with behavior. You can be a worrisome person. You look for things to worry about or immediately think of the worst possible outcome in any situation. That’s a place where it’s easy to see a  tendency to become snared. There are others places that it’s so much harder to see. How we follow the Lord. Why we love Him. Do we follow Him because we love Him or do we ignore in the places that don’t give us what we want or justify what pleases us right now? Do we really love God or His “stuff?”

There are so many nets out there to be trapped in that when God teaches us His truth through His word or through someone who shares His truth with us, we have to be willing to let those things go to follow Him. If you love Him you will follow Him. If you aren’t willing to let go of that thing, He is not your greatest treasure and you don’t really love Him. 

If God calls you out of something, He is calling you to something higher. Marriage is a great example of this. If you have married someone, God is calling you into the role of husband or wife. Your willingness or unwillingness to step into that says so much about how you love the Lord. If Jesus says, “Follow me,” He knows where He’s taking you. You can trust that more than what you’re holding. 

You can trust Him more than the anger or frustration you feel. You can trust Him more than the greatest joy you’ve ever known. Your feelings are not a place to trust or act from. They are constantly changing, but God is constantly unchanging and we can lean and depend on His steadfastness. You can trust His heart for you. 

I hope to remember this in the days ahead. I hope to never hold onto a thing I know isn’t good or to hold onto something that is a blessing so hard that when Jesus calls, I ignore Him to have what I want. I hope to always want Him most.